(Is it just me or are their weird 11 looking things in the right hand corner of the first and last shots - if you don’t zoom in?!)
Last night I took a very long walk - and everywhere I went - these lights followed me. It was an excellent visual reminder of how the soul of this city is always with you - before you move here, while you live here, and if you should ever leave. Of course it inspired me to capture a few shots but nearly every time I took pictures of the sky - this additional column of light accompanied it. It happened over in the Meatpacking District and then again later in the East Village - so it couldn't have been an errant glaring street light. It even happened when I was just trying to capture the beautiful moon in the clear night sky. I don't always comment on this anniversary. I wasn't here when it happened so it feels like my experience is far less interesting than those who were. Even though I know that we all were changed by that day - I understand that my experience pales in comparison to those covered in ash, those unable to reach their loved ones who worked in the World Trade Center, those watching people jump out of buildings as they made their way home by foot without cell service, those first responders who got sick and suffered/died from the carcinogens they were allowed to inhale from Ground Zero without ever receiving proper assistance from the government, & those brown Americans among us who would endure two decades of the violence/hate of xenophobia for something they had nothing at all to do with. In spite of the fact that I had yet to be a resident, of course this day affected me in a myriad of ways that I am still figuring out. This place which held my heart long before it became my home was under attack. This place that I knew would become my home. This place that I knew I would never want to leave - through blackouts, protests, hurricanes, pandemics, more protests, floods, and more. Some people say "There is a time to come to New York - and there's a time to leave." Those are clearly the opportunists who never added anything besides frustration to this city which is certainly not sad to see them go. I have never imagined a time that I would WANT to leave. If you don't want to stay here through your beautiful city's struggles - you never truly wanted the actual experience of LIVING in this city and you most definitely don't deserve any of the goodness it has given you. This city gives each and every one of us life every second we trudge through it - and we give it life in return. I could never imagine voluntarily leaving it in its time of need.
I was somewhere in the middle of the Caribbean Sea working on a cruise ship when I learned that the planes hit the towers. It wasn't long until the details began to unfold and we would learn of the plane hitting the Pentagon - and then of the plane on it's way to D.C. that went down only an hour and half from where I grew up in Pittsburgh - where my mom and brother still were. Never before in my life had I known this type of fear and anxiety in my own country and it was hitting not only my future home but hitting so very close to my HOME home - and there I was in the middle of nowhere unable to be with my friends and family in NYC or Pittsburgh. That week's passenger list was even more international than usual and the crew was always sparse on Americans - so it felt rather surreal to be walking around going about my day amidst many who were not taking this news in quite the same way as I was. I felt like what I imagined the majority of the rest of the world probably experiences much more frequently - with the terrors they live with every single day while Americans are entirely oblivious and wholly unconcerned. I was performing as a Krooze Komic (interactive improv performer) on the ship and I could think of NOTHING more useless on that day than to be donning wigs and silly costumes and going out and acting like a fool. It truly felt like only a small amount of people there even cared/knew what had happened. I learned a very important lesson that day about being a performer. It felt absolutely absurd to continue to do such a light-hearted job on such a terrifying day - but whether those passengers were American or not - and whether they were experiencing the same fear and dread or were entirely oblivious - I learned that going out there and giving them their moment to laugh and escape was still a worthwhile thing to do. I have revisited this knowledge many times over the past 20 years when continuing to pursue a field that often can feel rather selfish. The Arts are far more important than they have ever been given credit for and we will always need the inspiration/education/escape/therapy only they can provide. I would do one more contract on the ship to save up more money before moving to NYC the moment I could in May of 2002. Many of my family and friends were worried - so soon after 9/11 - but it had never occurred to me that I would be deterred.
Certainly my experience living in this city has been fully shaped by what happened that day. The "clean up" the city was going through just prior - coupled with the instinct to band together and protect one another after having been attacked made this city safer than it had ever been in the decades before. The freedom with which I gallivanted around this town from day one has never been lost on me - even though it took me a while to trust it. When those planes hit the towers I had no idea what politics was about. I am constantly stunned now by how oblivious I was until I moved to NYC. It's not that there were not things happening (oh my - how they were) - I guess it was just something about being at war after an attack such as that and then living in a city this multicultural + working in the theatre community that would finally slap some sense into me and wake me up. I cannot fathom how this war went on so damn long. I cannot fathom the money we made from being in this war. I cannot fathom how little we did to actually help Afghanistan. I cannot fathom the harm we have caused which will linger into the next several decades. I cannot stomach hearing people say we were there to protect the women when that was 100% NEVER the reason we were there and it only makes people feel better to claim that. If we were truly there to HELP Afghanistan - the Taliban would not be taking over 20 years later. I cannot fathom the fact that it took Americans that long to experience for the very first time what it felt like for their land to be under attack - much like the exact same terror that the Native Americans residing peacefully here must have felt when we came stomping in - raping & pillaging everything they ever knew. I will always be grateful for those who fight for our freedoms but will never support the senseless capitalist wars they are forced to fight - all in the name of "American Democracy" - the greatest conspiracy theory ever told. Aside from the rampant increase in xenophobia (which was now given a massive greenlight) the one good thing about 9/11 was that a lot of people did come together - with new security regulations and rules to abide by during travel & a love for one another and wanting to protect your fellow neighbors. I wonder what it would be like if Covid-19 happened within the 5 years after 9/11. Would more people unite? Would less? We keep getting these opportunities to unite in this world and we just keep flubbing them. When Covid-19 began I couldn't ever imagine we would be so polarized about staying alive and keeping each other healthy. I was actually excited for the possibility that we could finally all see each other as the interconnected web that we are. I cannot fathom that there are people I know and love who think that mask mandates, vaccines, and quarantines are a conspiracy to control the masses while people continue to take up hospital beds and die horrible deaths as a result of those misguided beliefs. I still cannot fathom that many of my fellow Americans do not CARE whether they get me or my family/friends sick - while I do everything I can to make sure no one I come in contact with (stranger or friends) will get Covid from me. On 9/11 I thought we were entering a world of terror and fear that would be as debilitating as many humans in other countries live on a daily basis. Little did I know that we would have about 18.5 years of continued privilege without that terror - while we unnecessarily terrorized those living in Afghanistan for all of this time - leaving them far worse than when we started. The war on Covid-19 is one of the biggest enemies this country/world has honestly ever faced together (outside of white supremacy)- and we are fighting amongst ourselves with disinformation and lies - when we could actually all be saving one another and ENDING it. I will never forget the idea that we were all in this together that definitely came out of 9/11. I only wish it was more than just an idea - then - and now.
Disclaimer: This is the Cliffnotes - believe it or not. Skim if you wish. Do what you may. It was a DOOZY!
Remember this time last year when some of us were compiling a review of the last decade? Who knew that just one tiny year later we would feel the need to do the same in just as immense a fashion? 2020 had the distinct audacity to somehow flew by while simultaneously dragging on in the same fashion of an entire decade. And while we have all very much looked forward to 2021 - it's impossible to imagine everything will just immediately get better again with the turning of the page on the calendar. I know we have figured this out by now - and no one truly expects 2021 to be some magically amazing new year (at least any more than some people always anticipate any new year being the year they actually do all the things they list in their resolutions yet quickly disregard). But, honestly, I feel like 2020 has changed us all in the way that whatever improvements we experience beyond this grueling year must come gradually and it's highly possible that "back to normal" may take another 4 years or more. Maybe there is no way we can ever get back there. I don't feel like I can. Though - in many ways that is not a bad thing. "Normal" before wasn't good for everyone and prioritized many unhealthy things (umm...Racism/Capitalism/The Patriarchy anyone?) - but I'm not really even talking about all of that exactly. I'm mostly thinking about what happens after one goes through a life-changing event - like having your heart broken or experiencing the death of a very close loved one. It changes the fibers of our being. It changes the way we think and love. It feels like it changes our actual DNA (that is - the .1 percent out of the 99.9 WE ALL SHARE IDENTICALLY). We have all gone through this together this year - and anything we experience from here on out can only be experienced through the senses of beings who have gone through this shared trauma. Nothing will ever be the same again. I only wish we were all on the same page about it all. Some people live their entire lives without an opportunity like we have here. We had a once in a CENTURY opportunity to UNITE and actually take care of one another and half of the country decided that wasn't important enough to them. I'd be lying if I said that I haven't lost almost all the little faith I had in humanity this year. And I'm not even here to discuss politics- as none of this should have ever been "political" in the first place. Though scratch that - because the basic health and care of human beings lives IS political. If you "aren't political" you are very very privileged/selfish. What it shouldn't have ever become was something that divided us. For once we all were in the same exact boat - subject to the same deadly virus, needing to do the same BASIC things to protect one another. Unfortunately some chose to believe otherwise and continue to do so. I will never understand this.
But hey - I didn't come here to write my opinions about the 2020 we all experienced together. I am actually here to document what a Shitshow it was for me and my little family. Mostly I have kept a lot of this to myself as I feel like - without being sick/dying from Covid - my family and I shouldn't fucking complain. I 100% understand that EVERYone is going THROUGH it this year and we are not alone - but honestly - I keep forgetting about some of the major things that happened through this year and felt the need to write them down - if only for my sake! I don't share every little thing that happens to me on the social medias - and some may get the impression that all is well or perfect in my world. I think it's fun to get a peek into each other's worlds on a personal level from time to time. I miss the olden days when I'd send a mass email update and old friends would crawl out of the woodwork and update me on their lives! But also - at one point I did reach out to some close friends saying I may want to plan a zoom or something - and got a few responses with their availabilities - and then I proceeded to drop the ball entirely. I thought it might be nice to know why I did that. So here goes.
My Quarantine Days started off pretty great. I have been fortunate enough to have my full-time day job this entire time from home. That. Is. Awesome. I had just adopted my kitty Moira around Feb 1 last year so she was VERY happy to have me home to play with all day long!
(she literally never does this - this was the ONLY time she did!)
My roommate and I are especially lucky to have a lovely roof area (feels like walking out onto a deck) - so any time we need fresh air we can just take a stroll out there and safely/unmasked bask in the outdoors.
The only complaint I really had was one I really shouldn't share because I 100% understand how LUCKY I am to have a job. I've spent the majority of my existence in NYC prior to the past 4 years working freelance day jobs and know what it's like to be out of work/looking for work/terrified where my next paycheck is coming from. It's something I identify with and empathize with immensely. I HAVE NOT forgotten where I came from and could return to at any moment. But my current dayjob - is a long day - and often I am literally WORKING every minute of it. It's not all cushy and chill where I can do other things while I'm working and honestly when I'd be done - even working from home all day and eliminating the commute - all I could bring myself to do was watch Netflix and zone out. So - watching everyone around me fill their days with creative new hobbies/taking courses/making funny videos/recording songs/doing livestreams/starting creative businesses they always wanted to start/etc...had me a tiny bit jealous. Yet I knew for CERTAIN if I were unemployed - I would NOT have those creative juices flowing. That's just not how my juices work. Ew. Now you know. So this FOMO while having a stable paycheck coming in is INSANE - but it has been a part of my reality this whole time. I think part of that comes from the idea that, as a creative person, we always need to be doing something creative...and when we're not - we feel like we are failing. We not only have to work multiple day jobs to pay the bills but also need to get brand new creative business off the ground BY OURSELVES against immense competition AT THE SAME TIME. Creatives don't have "off-time". That's something I battle outside of pandemic life - so why would this be any different? That's a topic for another time - but I honestly do hope that EVERYone is FINALLY relieving themselves of this pressure - not just for this year when we could barely achieve anything because of horror-flick-realness - but for ALL years - because that pressure is anti-productive and brings more distress than it does creativity.
So everything was going fine until....
APRIL:
- I get a RANDOM-ass toothache and need an emergency tooth extraction. Finding an oral surgeon during the shut down was TOUGH AS HELL. AND they wouldn't allow me to use nitrous oxide (laughing gas) because of fears of Covid getting into the gas - so I had to do it with just novocain. UGH. I'm a baby about this okay?? It. Was. Not. Cute. So I had about a week of excruciating pain leading up to the extraction - then - for WHAT reason I don't know - after that fucker was gone - I had ANOTHER TWO WEEKS OF PAIN??? I've had tooth extractions before and when it's gone - the pain is gone - and your mouth just takes a few days to feel fine. I don't know WHAT this was but it SUCKED. Especially because they don't really prescribe good pain meds anymore because they got so many hooked on opioids - when you actually NEED 'em - FUCK YOU
- My 79 year old Mom RANDOMLY injures her hand opening a bottle of Mountain Dew - requiring an ER visit and EMERGENCY PLASTIC SURGERY on her hand in the middle of the night. It's called Compartment Syndrome - and evidently not uncommon. The actual surgery went smoothly but she did encounter some random complications after being sent home and had to go back to the hospital - for a small time being unable to really communicate properly with my brother and I in Brooklyn. It. Was. Scary.
- Somewhere in here - my Uncle Tom passed away in his nursing home. Not from Covid - but still. Mom and his other sisters all were able to get on a Face time with him and say goodbye - I think my mom was even still in the hospital herself at this point. This is the first of her siblings to pass away - mom's the oldest. No regular funeral of course - just a Zoom with all the cousins and a small attempt at a gathering a few weeks later into the summer. NOT the send-out my Uncle Tom deserved.
- This injury was on Mom's dominant hand and just before the Pandemic - she bought herself a new single floor home (rather than the 3 floor home she's lived in for about 47 years). So she had to move out of my childhood home and into her new home and get the old home on the market and SELL IT ASAP so she didn't have 2 mortgages and 2 sets of utility payments. So - even without having hurt her hand - she was going to need some help so....
MAY:
- Scott (my brother) goes to Pittsburgh to live with/help mom with daily activities and packing for the move.
- This will become more relevant in my JULY update - but - just for the sake of chronology - I love taking long-ass walks - and had been wanting, through all of the pandemic, to see if I could walk into the city from my place in Brooklyn (I'm near Sunset Park if you're looking on a map/are familiar). It's far. But on my 18th year Anniversary of living in NYC - I walked all the way to Times Square! I did take the subway back. I could have walked back if I had started earlier in the day - but by that point in the day the timing was better to take the train. I had not been on the island of Manhattan since March - and I needed to BE with my aching/lonely city on this anniversary!
JUNE:
I go to Pittsburgh to relieve Scott and take the reins. I help mom set a date for the move/schedule movers - and pack nearly every last box with her instructions into the wee small hours of the morning about mid-way through the month. Now - mom has always kept up with the old house and has been anticipating a move/selling it for decades now - so she's done TONS to prepare it for this sale - but there are still a lot of little odds and ends that need done and there's always more than you think once the inspectors do their thing (especially on an older house like this - with all of the new requirements for homes). So we start getting all of these last details worked on as well.
JULY:
- My brother and I switch places again and I head back to Brooklyn. Gearing up for some long healthy WALKS all around NYC, possibly some socially distant meet-ups/picnics in my favorite season, FINALLY getting out there to some protests I was only able to WATCH on TV and had been DYING to be a part of, and just a few days before my birthday - I promptly take a tumble one night in that first week on the corner at my neighborhood bodega and sprain my ankle/scrape up my elbow and hand and must have done a number on my back muscles as that hurt worse than anything for the next week or two. Thankfully all I needed was a walking brace thing for my foot - but I definitely couldn't do all the walking I had wanted to do! The good thing was that - once my back felt better - my foot wasn't that bad and I DID end up finding myself at a few protests - which I had been YEARNING for. And I got some crazy walks in....I walked all the way to Coney Island!
- Meanwhile - back in Pittsburgh - Mom's back is feeling wonky. She has had a few back problems over the course of the past 10 years and a few surgeries on it. This current pain sends her to the hospital and then a nursing home for assistance - maybe this is around 2.5-3 weeks time? My brother can't see her in the nursing home due to covid precautions - she has a horrible time there and only stays a week - and returns home. She is only given some pain meds and physical therapy visits at the house. She is still in horrible pain.
MID-AUGUST:
- My brother and I switch places again - him back in Brooklyn - me with mom. Mom never really is feeling better - and her mood reflects this. It's scary - and I can't help her feel better. We are all scared - she is scared that maybe she shouldn't have made this move. All she has ever done was try to make things as EASY as possible for my brother and I and this move was precisely a part of that plan. The last thing she ever wanted to do was cause us stress or need our care under these circumstances. We have the anxieties of the old house still not being ready to be on the market/sold - and she is just in so much pain - regardless of whatever pain meds she takes. We do the physical therapy and she is fighting like the fighter that she always has been. It's hard and scary. Then there was a glimmer of hope about 3 weeks in where I thought she might be feeling better - but everything turned around and suddenly she was experiencing a new horrible pain on top of the other previous excruciating pain. This was Labor Day weekend - she stuck it out until she couldn't anymore and on Labor Day we had the ambulance come take her to the ER. Thankfully they let me in with her there - and through the night we eventually learned that she has TWO compression fractures. TWO. AND ONE HAD BEEN THERE DURING HER LAST STAY IN THE HOSPITAL A FEW WEEKS AGO THAT NO ONE EVER TOLD HER ABOUT - NOR SUGGESTED SURGERY ON. !??!?!??!?!?!??!? So all of that time trying to recover/heal - she had a compression fracture. It's not surprising she got another one - since she did not know about the first. She is scheduled for a double kyphoplasty. She has actually had a few of these through the years and they can be wonderful - are non-invasive - and often relief can be nearly immediate.
- During the time mom was in the hospital - in addition to working my day job - I was running to the hospital and the old house in order to manage the work being done there - which had finally been promised to be complete by the end of that week - but which, unfortunately, required my going there every other day or so to see what was still left to do. So that was also happening.
- Mom comes home by the end of that week and I think - sheesh - we're bound to see some improvements now. Alas in my last few weeks there - it didn't seem like the double back surgery brought her much relief. I continued to be scared maybe she was just going to be like this forever and there was nothing I could do to stop her pain.
- THANKFULLY we finally get the last minute touches done on the old house and hand over the keys to the realtor to put that house on the market!!!!! We receive an offer in 3 days! WOO HOOO!!! Evidently it's very much a sellers market right now in the suburbs. We Accept. We begin to await the paperwork/behind the scenes bank stuff to go through.
- About a week and a half before I was due to switch out with my brother again- one of his cats got sick...then the 2nd one did as well - requiring him to stick around and give them daily meds. So my 5 week stay became a 6 week stay (and he had to cancel a small get away he had been planning :( ).
MID SEPTEMBER:
- Scott returns to Pittsburgh and I return to Brooklyn. P.S. this entire time when he's away - I am taking care of his kitties (as I thankfully now live only 2 blocks away from him - the Universe works in mysterious ways...) - so now I return with the anxiety of hoping they both remain well after their courses of antibiotics - as I am checking on them every other day - not living with them - as I have my OWN kitty to live and love! Also - it's tough enough to get your OWN cat in a carrier or administer meds....doing it with cats that aren't YOURS - can be impossible.
- I end up REALLY making use of a week off work I take - and some AMAZING weather - making it out to leaf peep and apple pick - and really have quite a lovely time on my 6 weeks back in NYC (because I was in Pittsburgh for 6 weeks last time - Scott is now there for the same). I even pop into another protest or two.
- I must say - the 6 weeks I spent last with mom were some of the most challenging of my life in many ways I can't possibly detail here - but ultimately just being scared of her level of pain/discomfort and not knowing what to do - or whether she will be able to continue to live alone there in her lovely new home. I ADORE my mom and spending time with her - but I was really scared of what the future held when I returned.
- Somewhere in here we think we are going to have the closing on the sale of the old house around Nov. 4th.....
NOVEMBER
- We learn near the Closing date that the buyer's loan was NOT approved. Someone on his end is going to try to get it through again with some additional details that were not included the first time. We begin to wait anew.
- I return to Pittsburgh on the day Joe Biden is announced the winner of the election (thank you JESUS) as my brother drives back to Brooklyn. I am nervous - but from the instant I walk in the door I can see that Mom is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY better! Like - WORLD'S different from how I left her! She is up and about - she is on less pain meds - WAY less groggy....she is....HER again! I was SOOOOO relieved - and a little confused why Scott never told me how much better she was! But he likely caught her on her upswing after I left and didn't see the huge shift. PHEW!!!!!!! She is not pain-free - but she is doing really really well all around!
- Mom and I have an excellent November - and lots of fun like we used to - the only thing looming is whether or not this sale will go through on the house - because if it doesn't - OOF - it will be scary financially - waiting until the new year to get another buyer and play this waiting game again. We get to spend Thanksgiving together! In a year where most people aren't getting to see loved ones - this is one benefit to all of this insanity - we've been able to spend so much time with mom (even if it wasn't always relaxed and without anxiety for all of these other reasons).
- Just before Thanksgiving we find out the buyer's loan HAS BEEN ACCEPTED!!!!! But no closing date has been set. We are afraid to tell anyone again lest we jinx it. We continue waiting.
DECEMBER
- Scott drives back to Pittsburgh as I drive back to Brooklyn. All is fairly calm as we await the closing on the house. There is a little bit more of a run-around with this as it was set for a Friday - only to be cancelled just the night before - and set for supposedly Monday.....Monday comes and - WE FINALLY CLOSE AND SELL THE DAMN HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!! WEEEE HOOOOOOOO!!!!
- I had been noticing some signs around my brother's apartment that his girl kitty wasn't doing great...but I wasn't certain. She had some behavior changes and something was off. On the same Monday we closed on the house - it became obvious that I would need to bring her to the ER. It was a bit of a long night with my awaiting word (they don't let you inside the offices to wait due to covid - THANKFULLY there is a hotel across the street I could wait in as it was COLD AS HELL that night!). They were mostly connecting with Scott by phone to make decisions - and he decided to leave her overnight. The next morning unfortunately it was decided that she would need to be put down. Evidently she had lymphoma and chemo would only maybe give her another 3 months. It's so sad because she was only around 9 years old and really tough with him in another state and unable to be with her at the time. I've been trying to go over and visit the other guy more often since he's all alone in there now and a VERY social dude. Poor guy.
- I put up my first Christmas tree in YEARS! I am usually galavanting all over the city and New Jersey on caroling gigs + regular work all of this season so I am never home to ENJOY a tree. It has been delightful and I hope to make it happen from here on out even if I am busy as hell again in the future! I enjoyed a solo Christmas day which was just fine by me.....as I am headed back to Mom again at the end of this week for January.
So there you go. Of course I have loads more that went on in/around this - like ALL of us did, with:
- The loss of the Broadway/the Arts in many ways and what that means to myself and all of my friends (those consistently working in the industry/those not but trying/those who just miss it as audience members) .
- The George Floyd protests: It KILLED me to not have participated physically in as many as I would have liked but even when I was back in the city I limited my exposure just in case - as I knew I couldn't help mom/relieve Scott if I caught Covid. But I do still pop in on them here and there. AMAZING that they are STILL GOING STRONG even in winter all these months later! But - as my education on social justice issues didn't just begin this summer - it's been sowonderful to have so many more join the fight. I have only amped up my efforts to continue to learn about all of this and about our true history/my part in perpetuating racism - attempting to take as many actions as I possibly can to help in my pursuit of being 100% anti-racist. But, possibly most importantly, I spend some quality time going through the Me & the White Supremacy workbook every week with a work group on Zoom.
Good LORD I can't post ALL the pictures here - it would be SO DAMN MANY. Seriously. How do I pick? TOO DAMN MANY. MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!
- The election: holy MOLY I can't believe I had to LEAVE my city just as the celebrations ERUPTED - but at least I experienced a wee 20 minute parade as I drove the rental car back to my house to pack for my drive!
- The Georgia Run-Offs (I wrote/sent out 100 postcards to Georgia Voters, donated, and did some phone-banking to get out that vote!!!). Admittedly I was a bit confused about the existence of these Run-Offs....as we don't hear about them all that often. Sadly I am not surprised to have learned this week about The Racist History of Georgia's Run-offs.
- and just - EVERYTHING ELSE.....
So - if I ghosted you - this is why. Just as I yearned for more free time during my work day - this year also just found me yearning to be as BORED as a lot of other people said they were. Again - I get it - if I had no job I wouldn't be bored - I'd be TERRIFIED. I know how lucky I am to be working through all of this - to have had no hinderance on that when I then needed to work from my mother's home in Pittsburgh. I get it. I am SUPREMELY lucky. But man - boredom (along with being able to pay my rent/bills) sounds nice.
P.P.S. I almost forgot. I did manage to participate in some Zoom readings/recordings which are not available for sharing and created a few things in spite of everything above:
- and of course I never stop doodling - #cantstopwontstop
I literally have NO idea what the future holds. I don't know how long my brother and I will be making this commute. All I know is that this year has challenged every single one of us beyond our capacities - but some of us are still here to tell the tale. If you are - and you still don't fear Covid - WAKE THE FUCK UP. The long term effects beyond death are - as yet unknown. I know people who only JUST NOW are able to taste/smell food again 10 MONTHS AFTER HAVING HAD COVID. That's is a somewhat little inconvenience but it just I dare you to not have taste/smell for 10 months and you tell me how that feels. That's just ONE symptom with LONG-TERM effects long after a mild bout with Covid occurs. There are larger and more unknown extenuating symptoms people endure from this. The biggest sadness/exhaustion/frustration I've experienced overlaying ALL of what I wrote above is the notion that some people still think they HAVE to go get together with others. Some people refuse to "live in fear". Some people prioritize their needs above ANYone else's at the expense of those they are closest to who may suffer - but worse - at the expense of ALL OTHERS who they may never even be AWARE that they effect. I. Will. Never. Understand. There are people DYING FROM COVID who REFUSE to believe that they HAVE Covid - due to the ridiculous disinformation campaign the always-a-scam-artist-president continued to spread until he now needs to pretend he didn't lose the election. This was a chance for that monster to redeem himself - EASILY - but his narcissism made that impossible - yet again. I don't know how we will will ever recover from this MINDFUCK of a year - but I can assure you the answer lies in SCIENCE - and TAKING CARE OF EACHOTHER. Because I LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF ALL OF YOU DAMNIT.....
Especially THIS FIERCE WOMAN:
And this fierce dude:
Let's take CARE of EACH OTHER people. PLEASE. If not now - when?
Reading everyone's years/decades in review posts has inspired me to do the same. I am still undecided on sharing this as there will be some very personal things included but I still want to be as honest as possible. This wasn't on my to do list and rarely is at the end of a year/decade. While I don't begrudge those that love them - resolutions have never quite been my thing. I make attempts/changes throughout the entire year so as not to put so much pressure on those made at the start of the new one. When I would think on the past decade I found myself a little startled at all I hadn't been thinking of and started feeling like it might be helpful for me to put it all into perspective if only for myself.
The decade started out pretty great on my end! I performed my first solo cabaret at The Duplex to a sold out crowd and worked quite a bit that entire year both on performing projects in the city as well as at my old theatre home away from home upstate at the Theater Barn where I ended up doing 3 shows that summer. After flailing a wee little bit for some of the decade prior with older once-strong friendships having drifted out of my grasp I had found myself a new little handful of close friends and was having a ball. 2010 is when I discovered and was gifted the perfect set of BABY ARMS!! Guys....2010 was the birth of BABY ARMS!
Shortly after the start of the decade - I met and started singing with the AWESOMENESS of the Tara Lynne Band which provided more hours of enjoyment than I could ever properly explain here. I discovered more of what I was capable of as a singer and (semi)percussionist. This magic is only possible when you work with people who truly believe in you as much as you do them. We all brought out the best in each other and that mutual respect and appreciation elevated each one of us. The time we spent together laughing, creating music, supporting one another, LAUGHING and being plain ole' whackadoodles were some of the best times I will ever have in my entire life. We even recorded an awesome ALBUM with many of your generous help (THANK YOU)! Eventually, after moving out to Jersey (more info below), and commuting to Brooklyn for at least a year for all our rehearsals/gigs I did have to say goodbye to this wonderful band as it had gotten to be too much. Thankfully we remain friends to this day and I still love them and the time I had with them so so much!
I had started out the decade extremely single (as I tend to be) yet I was also coming to terms with the fact that not every one is meant to find someone and spend forever with them and that this was honestly FINE. It was FREEING! It felt quite awesome to no longer be thinking of that "someday" with "that person" I might actually never meet. I was a bit irked at a society which taught me to always be looking for that and expecting that it was guaranteed to happen and then it would 100% never end. If anything - life has taught me that nothing is forever and even the most "perfect" couples/relationships don't. I had finally reflected on all of the years I was single and sad about it as such a huge waste of time. I was finally thinking about how a future with just me would be and I was diggin' it! I would try to explain this to people and without fail - my revelations were ALWAYS met with pity and assurances that of course I would meet someone. They just weren't listening - it didn't MATTER if I did!
Shortly after kicking things off with TLB - low and behold and much to my surprise - I fell in love. Hard and fast. It is far too much and too personal to share in this format on this platform and I could never do it all justice in brief. I can't possibly express how much good we had out there and how there was still happiness and deep love throughout. That's what made it so hard/confusing. Let's just say that - I moved out of NYC (where I still very much wanted to live) and deep into Jersey for an opportunity at a life with someone I was madly in love with. The pressure that type of move put on our relationship to continue being what it was at the start ultimately must have been too much. I am not sure. I still don't quite understand what happened with this situation. All I know is that things changed and I got very depressed about it. The deep depression was also a result of not discussing it with anyone. I was embarrassed and thought we'd get through it together so why discuss with friends or family? The few friends I would have discussed it with were all dealing with some pretty big things themselves and either weren't available or I didn't want to burden them with it. This all caused my first true depression. This was evidently too much for one of my closest friendships to weather so on top of this partner breakup I also had a best friend breakup. I will spare you of details here and believe it or not - THIS is the shortest possible story for me about it. Obviously things didn't work out and that relationship ended. I do not regret the move even though things did not work out. It was absolutely what I was supposed to do at that time and I jumped in and gave that relationship everything I knew how to give it.
Other things happened while I was living out there. Sadly, my sweet kitty Maverick got sick shortly after I settled in out there and while we were able to make him feel better for a little while - his time with me did come to an end. He was my boy of 16.5 years. I still miss him every day. As soon as I moved out to Jersey I booked an off-broadway show in the city and worked the most as a performer I ever had in one year following it! I did have the WONDERFUL opportunity to work at The Growing Stage and finally get my Equity card at this lovely theatre 10 minutes from my house! This was exciting for so many reasons not the least of which is that - after 10 years working in theatre in/around New York - I had started to think this just would never happen.
So very middle of the decade found me deeply depressed and starting all over again in NYC. I lived on my brother's futon and then in his (very large) closet for a wee bit and then found a place back in Astoria. I thought my depression was situational and after our relationship ended and I was back in my city I would start to feel like myself again. This would take much longer than I had anticipated. I hesitate to list this part for fear it will seem attention seeking but honestly it's my truth and it's a massive part of what I experienced in this decade. I'm still trying to process it all so to leave it out would feel wrong. Who the hell knows - maybe it will be useful to someone else going through something similar? The few closest friendships I had had morphed into new things as everyone was going through their respective hardships/lives. I tried calling on the old friends who had painfully drifted years before and found no one was in a space to be there for me. This was hardest of all and honestly continues to be. I found myself starting fresh in every single way and was frustrated that I wasn't starting to feel like myself again yet. At my absolute lowest and with zero confidence in any area I needed to go out and make new friends. Making new friends and then venting to them is not ideal (especially when I was afraid it was my venting that had pushed all of my other close friends away). My mom and I have always been close but she grew to be about the only one I could vent to anymore. So, while I did make new friends and while old ones were definitely there when they could be, I really felt so very alone through all of this. That also is a symptom of the depression but it definitely was a different experience than I had ever had in any previous breakups/hardships (which of course were never as hard as this). It made me so grateful for all of the years I did have consistent and close friends to talk to and sort things out with - but how had I lost most of them? What did I do to cause this? How could I change whatever it was about me that made people no longer want to be close? This type of thinking is inevitable and useful in life - but also not helpful with the depression I was already amidst. My mom even had some major back issues/surgeries throughout all this time as well which my brother and I would spend time in Pittsburgh to help her out with as we could. Freelance work was tougher to come by then it had been when I was younger....I was barely making ends meet. I randomly fell down a flight of stairs in my sleep while staying at a friends' home and broke my foot. Not great when ALL of your freelance work is on your feet + you live in NYC and have to walk everywhere! Then Trump was elected. It was fun.
Shortly after the holidays that year I started a temp to perm job at a new small company for a man who 100% supported me auditioning and pursuing performing jobs while I worked for him. I found a Unicorn of a job! This did WONDERS for my ever-slowly heightening mood. Having some financial stability while also having permission to continue to pursue my dreams was pure magic in absolutely every way. It took a lot of pressure off of auditions and I could go to more of them as a result of being in the union + not having to choose between ones due to work. I was able to save some money and move into a lovely apartment with only one roommate (I love my old ones but 4 people to one bathroom in a place directly underneath the subway was not perfection). This job enabled me to enjoy the AWESOMENESS of Mark Fisher Fitness, buy new headshots, get myself some Actor Therapy, start training with an incredible new voice teacher who is blowing my mind, and start doing other fun stuff around the city I never had any money to do: seeing more shows, get my nails did (you're welcome for all my pics), and going to the Jazz Age Lawn Party...AND FINALLY LEAVE THIS CONTINENT AND GO TO LONDON!!!!!
Having my Equity card is WONDERFUL for many reasons but it made it tougher to book work (as it tends to do for non-dancer folk like me). I had to say goodbye to my home away from home at The Theater Barn where I was fortunate to do some really awesome shows over a full decade of summers! I was so grateful for pretty consistent work at The Growing Stage while I lived out near them and even booked a new theatre for my resume reprising one of my favorite roles as The Drowsy Chaperone! For better or worse - I never stopped auditioning all through my healing after the breakup and was getting some callbacks but not seeing any bookings. This always sucks but having the new Unicorn job which allowed all of the auditions reinvigorated me and it took the pressure off of booking work. Then BOOM - the end of 2018 found me on stage again at The Fireside Theatre in "Elf" and I could NOT have been giddier!
2019 did not bring me any official stage show experiences which never feels great - but I did do some awesome readings, voiced/puppeteered some awesome characters (starting in 2018) with Max's Fancy Monsters, and started singing out with a singer/songwriter I've always adored (Gabby Ess)! To say that I'm okay with all of the great auditions I had this past year without any coming to fruition would be a lie. It's never okay when it feels like you are getting no signals from the Universe that you are on the right path and it feels like you are just spinning your wheels in the mud - but I've been here before and I know this place a little too well. It only gets harder with every year I'm at it but as long as I still want to - and can - I will pursue it.
This decade has brought with it many lessons and revelations. All of which are very much works in process:
- I have been inspired to be even more politically active and have gone to countless rallies/protests/marches after having enjoyed a mini break there for a few years. I have learned so much about racial injustice and white privilege. I have yearned for ways to create actual change outside of posts on Facebook, discussions with friends and family, and tagging along to other people's events. I have yet to figure this out but continue to try. Mostly I just feel overwhelmed with all of the good I want to do in the world that I do almost nothing and then get mad at myself for it.
- Don't even get me started on the #metoo revelations I continue to have.
- There is no way to detail all of this now but I discovered some ideas about body positivity and health at every size which has completely turned me upside-down in terms of my body issues. This would be another whole post and I am not necessarily in the most positive place about all of this but I have learned too much about the futility of dieting and in it I've revealed just how unhealthy my relationship with my own body is. There is WAY too much to unpack here but let's just say that I am on a path of discovery with this that I never anticipated needing so badly but it may just be the key to many other parts of my well-being.
- I understand that friendships change and nothing is forever. I mostly understand that everyone is going through their own shit and often barely have the capacity to handle theirs let alone anyone else's. As a result I no longer expect that from anyone and learned I could get through the worst time in my life so far with mostly just myself (and my mom). I don't want to ignore the fact that I did have a handful of folks from time to time but on a day to day basis in the state I was in - it was really rough. I still have a lot of hurt I am working through about the friends who are no longer in my life and I still try very hard to understand the part I played in that. I can drive myself crazy with self-reflection but I genuinely hope I have been there for people when they needed me most and I hope I can continue to be. And if I'm ever not - I hope if they confront me about it - I will be able to genuinely say I'm sorry and then do better.
I'm still single as the day is long and find myself returning to the revelations of the beginning of the decade that if it's just me and me for the rest of my life that's just fine. It's honestly terrifying to think of going through all of that again. I don't mean that I wouldn't but man - if it means a deep isolating depression where I temporarily lose a lot of the bits of me I love the most and when I finally put myself back together I'm basically a whole different person with some of the same ingredients...I'm in no rush. That doesn't mean I regret it - it just means - sheesh....how the hell do some people do this so much more often than I?
I am so grateful for the new friends I've made, those acquaintances I was able to become closer with through this, the old friends who I found my way back to, and all who were there for me whenever they were able. It is impossible to express just how much I appreciate each and every one. I am grateful to have gone through the depression because I now have a much fuller understanding of what my friends and family with it go through. I now have a much better sense of how to make space for those in that state of mind than I ever could have before. My brother and I have grown closer as a result. This decade may have been the biggest in terms of growth (the toughest ones usually are I guess) even if I am still figuring a lot of it out. Writing this out was helpful for me to acknowledge this. If you've made it this far - thank you very much. I needed to do this for me and I am not sure whether I needed to share it. It's highly likely very few people will even read most of it anyway so what the hell? Regardless (and even if you skimmed) I wish you the very best year/decade of your life!
Football wasn't the only lackluster part of this year's Superbowl. The commercials were absolutely unworthy of mention minus a fun one from Radioshack that - while incredible - really wasn't a "Superbowl Commercial" as we are used to. Maybe it's because all sorts of Superbowl commercials were released online in the weeks before the actual event - which makes them - NOT Superbowl commercials - since I could release a "Superbowl Commercial" online every day until next year and it doesn't make it one. Aside from Radioshack - there is only one other that I can even remember - it is, of course, Coke's controversial ad with people singing "America the Beautiful" in various languages. I have SO many things to say about this yet I feel compelled to spare you - as so much of it shouldn't even need to be said. All I know is that I watched this commercial in the presence of a room full of family friends who clearly represent the majority of this country's opinon. And by "opinion" I politely decline pointing out their intelligence or willingness to think beyond their very first impulse of "How DARE they sing 'America the Beautiful' in another language!". Honestly - I had a jolt when that reaction struck me - but immediately it was replaced with thought - a productive one that immediately informed me that many people were going to be appalled. I never expected I was sitting in a room full of them - nor did I expect that so very many would feel exactly the same and be bold enough to admit their ignorance! A close friend with me quickly reasoned that this might not have been the best choice for a commercial for a Superbowl audience. He was content with that - to put the fault on Coke for their poor choice. In many ways - I do not disagree.
When you awaken to the controversy on The Facebook - you realize what a bad advertising choice this was for Coke but a fantastic progressive choice it was for them. While it may or may not prove to sell more Coke - they took a chance. They saw the country moving forward enough to create this conversation. It's a conversation I literally am astounded to even be having - but they truly believed that enough people already "get it" that this might be a good move. At the end of the day you really have to remember - they aren't here to change minds - they are here to sell a product. They really thought this would appeal to the majority - or - if not - at least stir an exciting conversation. And it is. They actually spent money on this to air during the actual Superbowl and not simply on Youtube the week prior.
I hate to have to type it out but I am writing a blog on it so:
1. America is MADE of people from every country on the face of the earth - we did not all just magically pop up on this land.
2. Several of those people had to learn English and live in a brand new land in order to enjoy the freedoms many of their ancestors fought for - something most "Americans" never will do. Try moving to a brand new country and lasting more than a few months - especially in countries with less freedoms than USA.
3. People singing about how beautiful America is in any language at all is joyous! It's testament to their genuine LOVE of America's beauty and it's PEOPLE (wha???).
4. How many of you are here BECAUSE of your ancestor's coming here confronting much more hatred than these folks now?
5. It is not a threat to you or your "American-ness". It is a beautiful celebration of it!
Have you ever felt absolutely disgusted with your own body in general
and then mortified by what you see when you look at pictures of yourself
- only to revisit those photos years later and WISHED you could be that
thin again because you are currently feeling exactly the same way or
worse? Were you ever actually as heavy as you thought? Will you EVER
be happy with your body as it is right. now.? I rarely have been. I
love food too much to be anorexic -- but never really binged enough to
need to purge.... but I definitely have a disorder. A body disorder?
Is that a thing? Do all women have that here in America? I apologize
as I realize I am just asking a lot of questions -- and I am not
examining uncharted territory by any means. We know the deal -- our
culture does not appear to welcome real women's natural bodies for some
bizarre reason. Of course you find out in reality that nearly every
body type is desirable to someone - somewhere....and because there are A
LOT of someones all over this country and the world -- we are actually
JUST FINE. Two of my most satisfying & supportive relationships have occurred when I have felt "overweight" (including right now). Realizing this still doesn't help my own body image and that
is just silly.
There was one point in my life I acquired some peace on this issue.
I bought a book, "The Idiots Guide to Yoga". I read a lot of the book
and looked at the pictures -- but didn't really practice any of the
positions. One thing that really resonated with me was the information
about it's connection it's Buddhist philosophies of eliminating negative
thoughts, words, & actions - to others - but most importantly to
yourself. For the first time in my life I realized how terrible I had
been to myself all those years. If any friend of mine were saying the
things that would go through my head every time I caught a glimpse of
myself in a mirror to me -- I would definitely rethink that friendship.
So I did the same for myself. That summer was terrific for me. I had
some extra time on my hands and was able to fit in truly mini workouts
almost all week (20 minutes a day -- no kidding)....but I definitely was
eating whatever the hell I wanted....and I lost 10 pounds in a month!
This was many moons ago -- and I have experienced a few gains and losses
since but my happiest moments with myself have been when I did NOT
permit these negative thoughts/words to myself about myself. When I let
myself truly enjoy everything I ate -- whether "good for me" or
"bad"....and didn't punish myself. I have maintained a very happy
weight with myself using this "method".
So - why am I writing about this? I have recently been rehearsing
for the brand new Off-Broadway production of "Spandex the Musical". I
suppose that may explain a lot right there, but for those of you who
weren't around in the 80's.....aerobics was the fitness craze which
swept the nation. The wardrobe of choice was a breathable -- stretchy
fabric called Spandex! My role in this musical is that of Linda, a
housewife/mother in her 40s who has lost her figure - but mostly her
confidence and herself. She finds her power once again through the
inspiring friends she meets at aerobics and while competing in the
National Crystal Light Aerobic Olympics - Hosted by Alan Thicke - inspired by real-life events! I cannot tell you the mental ride I have
been on with this experience. From the callbacks to getting cast - to
reading the script and realizing my character is referred to as
"Tubs".....I have very conflicting highs and lows. Winning this role
feels amazing as a performer -- but terrible as a woman. What a bizarre
dichotomy for an actress. Now - I am also not 40...and people claim I
don't look 35 (which I am) -- but I have been playing that (& older)
for several years now! So I already am aware that casting often isn't
100% true to character descriptions but I can't help finding this
experience so bizarre. While I know my body is far from thin -- it
definitely isn't what I see when I envision "Linda"...yet I could see
why I might be perfect for her at the same time.
This experience is unique for me on so many levels -- one of which
is the need for me to wear workout clothes in rehearsal 5 days a week -
with the end result being in actual Spandex -- something I don't think I
OWNED in the 80's because I did not think I would look right in it
(even at 8 to pre-teen I didn't think I could pull it off!). You stare
at yourself in the mirror as you rehearse and think terrible thoughts
about all your rolls -- and wonder what other people might think of you
(who clearly are paying no attention as they are doing the same thing to
themselves). Only this time -- every time I caught a glimpse of
myself and thought of how terrible I looked -- all I could think of was
how right that made me for "Linda". I have NEVER felt so justified in
this body I have. Never. It is exciting and uncomfortable all at
once. I have been attempting to lose at least 10 pounds for the past 2
years....and thought this might jumpstart that crusade. The day we
started rehearsals - I started another "diet" --- and hoped that - come
opening night I could do the show without my "sucky-inny-clothes", as I
call them --- otherwise known as "Spanx". I thought this was when I was
going to lose that 10 pounds. How weird it felt though --- as I was
now cast as someone called "Tubs"....maybe I shouldn't? Well -- have no
fear --- the hectic schedule has made it very difficult for me to keep
up with my diet -- and that weight has not come off and I still despise
my belly every time I see it in the mirror.
I have been dying to share this experience with people....not
because I have some incredible insight to share -- but because I feel
like most women with similar feelings never get to have this type of
experience. Most American women never feel 100% perfect in the body
they are in. And that is a shame. I still don't -- but I get to as I
play "Linda" - who is taking control of her life and getting in shape.
Sure, she is doing aerobics - but I like to think she is finding her
success the only way I think anyone does - by eliminating those negative
thoughts which sabotage your efforts and truly loving and being kind to
yourself. It all reminds me of how we do have the power within
ourselves to alter those thoughts which hinder our well-being. If I had
lost that 10 pounds 1 or 2 years ago -- as I had been attempting, and
my body looked like I wish it did -- would I have booked this show?
Probably not.
I won't lie -- I am still 100% terrified by any publicity shots that
are coming --- or just at the thought of any of my friends and family
seeing my imperfectness on display in Spandex costumes in the theatre
district just Off-Broadway! After several years doing some of my best
work outside of NYC -- now my imperfections will be the most accessible
in whatever press we get and obviously visible on stage every show. I
am uncomfortable with every inch of this -- but doing my best to
identify with being so "right" to play Linda -- a sweetheart of a woman
who has to learn to love herself just as she is - right now - something
we should all be doing - all the time.
You all know the story. Girl visits NYC and it's love at first sight.
All she wants is to move to NYC and perform on Broadway. She just hopes
that New York will take her in and be kind. Well, okay - anyone who
saw my cabaret knows that isn't exactly what I had expected. I knew it
would be really difficult - but hell if that didn't excite me even
more! The first time I set foot in NYC a pigeon shit on my head but I
didn't care. I expected it. So I moved here and started my NYC
romance. Like every exhilarating love affair - I found passion,
inspiration, & creativity with just the right amount of hurdles and
pigeon shit laced throughout to keep it a constant challenge/chance for
growth. New York forced me to evolve in ways I never dreamed I would
and learn exactly what I'm made of. Though I knew my dream of Broadway
would be difficult - I feel a little silly now saying that somehow -
deep inside - I never doubted it would happen. Here I sit - nearly 11
years later and well, let's just say that dream feels 100% as
challenging as it did the day that pigeon shit on my head. People often
would ask me in those first few years whether I was thinking about
giving L.A. a try - or did I miss Pittsburgh? My mom, of course, knew
me best and could tell within that first year or so that I wasn't coming
home - that NYC was going to be my home for a very long time. She saw
my love for the city and continues - to this day - to support me fully
in my pursuit of my dreams here. All I have ever wanted, that I just knew
was in my grasp if I did the work, was living in NYC and
performing. That was one thing I was sure of.
One thing I've never
been sure of is whether or not I'd ever find someone to share my life
with. Of course I grew up expecting that "someday I'll meet
someone" - because that is just what is supposed to happen - but as I
grew older it really felt like that part of my life might never be like
it's "supposed" to happen - and I honestly started to just accept this.
I knew I was likely going to live in NYC for the rest of my life and
would most certainly be that crazy lady on the train with weird glasses
wearing leopard pajama pants and talking to herself. And that was okay
by me. My, how life can through you for a loop sometimes! Without
getting too crazy into the nitty or the gritty -- the important part
here is that I did meet someone. And that someone loves me. And I am
crazy about that someone. And that someone lives out in New Jersey.
So....guess who's moving to Jersey? That's right - it's ME! I know - I
am as stunned as you are - which is the point of this post. It wasn't
an easy decision and again - neither the gritty nor the nitty is
necessary here but....the EXCITING thing is - I am so giddy to begin my
life with this guy without all the commuting!!! The thing I haven't
been as excited about is leaving my NYC. That is the tough part. There
are so many things I am frightened of as I prepare to make my commute
to my city-life sightly more difficult.
So there I am - the day before I
am to move 98% of my belongings from Queens to Jersey --- and I hop on
the subway to meet my Jersey boy in the city for a "Final Saturday as an Official New Yorker" dinner type thing. I am a little melancholy - as I
have been with all my recent NY activities - when I hear an accordion
player step onto my subway car and start playing/singing "Here
Comes the Sun" by The Beatles. Now - if you live in the city - you know
there are a cast of familiar characters you see on your trains -- every
once in a while there is someone new - but generally it's the same
folks with the same old schtick. Well, I have never seen this dude and I
have rarely - if ever - heard any of them playing this song. More
importantly - this is one of the FEW songs my Jersey boy sang lead on in
his old band. I couldn't help myself as a smile spread from ear to ear
and I heard the comforting words "It's all right.". I begin to get out
a dollar for this guy (which I try to do when they genuinely make me laugh/smile). He had stopped playing and collected from someone
else - but was on his way over to me. My head was down as I struggled
in my pocket when suddenly he is hovering over me and loudly singing
directly at me "SUN SUN SUN - HERE IT COMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUN SUN SUN -
HERE IT COMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I gasped and giggled as he stopped and
apologized for scaring me. I gave him my buck and then he remained
there - playing some romantic tune you'd hear if you and your love were
being serenaded by an accordion at a little Italian restaurant. But I
was all alone. It was perfectly ridiculous. All of it. It was one of
my favorite types of NYC moments - I hadn't had one like
that in a while. And it came just when I needed it. It felt like my
"old flame" NYC was giving the thumbs up to this move with it's
blessings - reminding me that it will always be right here and that I
will always be just as much a part of it. Only now it would be my
(slightly) long-distance commute.
So that girl moves to New Jersey. And it's all right....
I know you need another "Les Miserables" movie review like you need
another Facebook status mentioning someone's gym habits or other menial
events but I am compelled to write this. I am not going to summarize
the plot of the movie like other reviews partially because you can google it and mostly because very few people are going to even read this.
Here it is - down to brass tacks (whatever the
hell that means). I hesitate to
review actual performances for a few reasons - the most important of
which is that my problem with this film has nothing to do with the many
performers who clearly had passion for the project and the desire and
some of the talent to pull it off. The least important being that it is
obvious that the casting of this and every musical theatre film (and
often Broadway productions) these days has about 1% to do with appropriateness
of age/type or vocal ability and 110% with star names. I know the
deal. As a musical theatre lover I am giddy when they make a movie
musical but not because I fool myself into thinking it will ever do the
actual show full justice. I expect to be less than thrilled. But that
does not mean I go to the theatre jaded and ready to despise it. I am
giddy they are making them since that means MANY more people may have
the opportunity to fall in love with them like I did. I was raised on
movie musicals. I don't even mean the original ones of Gene Kelly and
Judy Garland. I mean the ones like "Annie", "Oliver", & "Little
Shop of Horrors", "West Side Story" and all of the Rodgers &
Hammerstein too....but also some of the most terribly acted and just
barely sung "A Chorus Line" and more doozies! "A Chorus Line" is like
that phrase - "A face only a mother could love." Only a girl who would
eventually find her life's dream in those movies of one day performing
on Broadway could love that film. But they knew what was important.
The music. When I watched "Les Miserables" last night I was appalled at
how embarrassed this director was of the music --- the accompaniment
was often barely audible and rarely matched what the performers were
doing with their tempos in their lyrics. Sometimes it was as if the
actors themselves were embarrassed of their singing - not actually
belting (as some here are able) or singing in a full legit sound (as a
few here were able) as this music was meant to be sung for fear that
audiences there for Wolverine and The Gladiator might not like it. I do
not blame the performers for this at all. It is clear that someone's
idea for this film was not to make it so musical-like which is especially off the mark with a show which is ENTIRELY MUSIC. The entire heartbeat of the show was 100% missing. The performers had passion individually but there was no glue holding them all together. I am aware that
director Tom Hooper attempted to utilize a wonderful idea for the
filming of these songs - which is not normally used for movie musicals -
and had live singing with the live accompaniment fed into their ears to
allow for a more natural and real live performance feel. I love this
idea and am horribly disheartened at the end result. I think this is
the key to why this film is a flop. The orchestrations do NOT match the
live singing in tempo or in the physical volume of the audio tracks -
ever. I do not know if an orchestra was conducted to match the film and
I can only imagine how difficult that process would have been. All I
know is that it was a necessary part of the process that seemed to have
been rushed through. Either that and/or those who then synced the
vocals with the orchestrations in tempo and audio levels dropped all
their balls. As a result, the entire movie was a really slow and boring
disgrace. I couldn't even hear the singing at the very beginning and
then I barely ever heard the accompaniment throughout. If I knew
nothing about this show the only thing I'd know when it ended was how
happy I was.
I'd rather not get to detailed about opinions of the cast though I did enjoy Samantha Barks' "Eponine" and yes, Anne Hathaway had some magical moments as a too young Fantine. While well cast - Sasha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter appeared to have been inappropriately directed to be in a Tim Burton film rather than into the broad comedic relief of their actual characters in this show. The awful muppet sounds of Russell Crow's singing are the LEAST of
this film's worries.
While I fully expected to be slightly disappointed with this film --
as I am about several movie musicals - the one thing I can always walk
out saying is that I am just glad they are making them. While I hope
they continue making them - I hope no one ever makes the same mistakes
they made in this one. Go back to lip synching if you are too lazy to
do the rest of the work. And stop apologizing for the fact that it's a
musical --- let it be one. SCADS of people LOVE them - and more will
begin to if you remember this.
