Oh where oh where have my crack-tacos gone? Astoria Taco Truck where are YOU?

I must begin with my deepest apologies for my last post being of the boring insights and disgusting image of Mortadella. I have been mortified that I left you all with that gem as my last post in entirely too long. I know full well there aren't that many of you who even swing past here all that often and those of you who do ought to be rewarded with something other than the world's most hideous looking luncheon meat.

Now...onto more pressing matters.

Those of you who know me know of my infatuation with the Taco Truck here in Astoria, NY. You may recall it from a past voicemail, Facebook status or any number of endless ramblings stating my suspicion of their use of actual crack amidst their delectably unique and fresh ingredients which keep addicts like me running back for more. If you ever heard tell of my new found adoration of limes and radishes, these are the people responsible.

The Taco Truck, otherwise known as "El Rey del Taco" and always parked in front of the Rite-Aid at 30th Avenue and 31st Street (except on Mondays) has recently gone missing, and I am not the only one who cares. I recently read a worried friend's status this past week, as he lives right near it and hadn't noticed it there for about a week. I had my regular two $2 chicken tacos (otherwise known as heaven) about 3-4 weeks ago but hadn't been over there since. I was worried about this when another friend casually mentioned her plans for the taco cart that evening on her way home, and had to warn her that her plans may be thwarted due to it's absence.

On my way to a party late Friday night near their corner, I approached the silhouette of a trunk nearly the same size and shape of the Taco Truck. As I got closer, however, I noticed it was slightly smaller and was covered with some graffiti-type artwork that was drab and frightening. A man loading boxes into this truck saw me slow down as I noticed this menacing impostor and thought he'd try flirting with me (since I was all dolled up and walking alone at 1am). All I could do was look at him sullenly and say "you're not my Taco Truck....where's my Taco Truck?" and sulk away.

Well, I am not sure what the explanation is for the disappearance of one of my most reliably delicious and insanely cheap-ass dinners/snacks, but I am ecstatic I am not the only one who is concerned and people are already trying to get to the bottom of this.

I also had no idea that the people who owned it recently opened an actual restaurant not too far away that sounds pretty delicious as well....though, I'm still gonna need you to bring me back my cart, mmkay?

Mortadella?

Am I the only person disturbed by the sight of this luncheon meat in my bodega's deli case?

Now, I love me some pistachios, and I can appreciate that they might taste delicious in a lunch meat but man, does it look disgusting! It appears as though it may, at times, contain berries, though all I see here is chunks of FAT. Is this the fruit cake of lunch meats? Does someone actually like this? I don't think I have ever heard anyone order a "Mortadella on Rye", or on anything for that matter.

I am not sure why I need to get to the bottom of this, but if you or anyone you have ever met happens to enjoy a fine Mortadella, please enlighten me!

French Fries and Copious Amounts of Bird Poop

I remember the first time I visited New York City. I remember the shows I saw, the stars I got my picture with at the stage doors, the grimy streets, and my brother getting swindled in Times Square by some sketchy dudes playing cards on cardboard boxes. I remember the energy I felt in the air and I knew that I would move here one day. Just before all that, I recall my very first step onto a NYC sidewalk just left of the crazies outside of Port Authority. A pigeon shit on my head. Welcome to New York. I knew this was the town for me! That day and many times since, I have been told that a bird pooping on your head is a sign of good luck. While there is no doubt that I am enjoying my time here in the big city...it's been nearly 8 years now and I am pretty sure I am still waiting for that good luck to prove itself.

Last night I had an odd dream. We (castmates, classmates of some sort, and just friends in general) were all staying in the woods near a beach. I'm not sure what we were doing there. En route one afternoon from wherever we went everyday back to our cabins in the woods, we were all crossing the beach when french fries started falling all around us. I don't know where they were coming from, but the sinking feeling in the pit of our stomachs told us that if:

beach + fries = seagulls and birdshit

then:

beach + copious amounts of fries = well...you get the picture


So we started to run just as hoards of seagulls came swooping in eating the french fries that just kept falling. This was obviously followed by large amounts of poop on our heads. We had just barely reached the woods we were living in when the 'storm' got real bad. I just remember all of us drenched in seagull poop and wondering who was going to get to use the shower first.

Now, if birds pooping on your head = good luck

What do dreams about massive amounts of bird feces pouring down your face and the faces of those around you equal?

How about copious amounts of random french fries?

"The Anti-Bandwagon Bandwagon"

Y'no what I'm really sick of? The "Anti-Bandwagon Bandwagon". Don't know what that is? Sure ya' do. It's that group of folks in the world who refuse to "get on the bandwagon" for anything and everything that a lot of people have agreed is awesome, purely because a lot of people have previously agreed that it is awesome. You might hear them saying things like, "Oh...that's been too hyped up!" or "Oh God, that's the LAST movie I want to see, it can't be that great...people are stupid." I first noticed this phenomenon when the movie "Titanic" was out. I loved that movie. I know, I know...it isn't the best film ever created, and it was cheesy, but it was a damned great movie. I don't need to defend myself this many years later, and frankly, I don't care whether you agree with me. Myself and millions of other people felt something when we watched that flick and we did that because we allowed ourselves to get on that bandwagon that the anti-bandwagon bandwagoners were throwing themselves off of and under.

What they just don't understand is that the Anti-Bandwagon Bandwagon IS A BANDWAGON. In claiming that they are so individual and so unique...able to make their own choices and form their own opinions...they are making their opinion instantly opposite to the general consensus, usually without even seeing/hearing/trying said "awesome thing". Now that's just retarded. And sure...there are a few Anti-BW's that do allow themselves to experience whatever it is and will still deny it's possible awesomeness anyway, because that is just who they are. Besides, who am I to prove whether they secretly enjoyed it and are afraid to admit it?

The trick here isn't jumping ON one of these bandwagons but, rather, not allowing their presence to deter you from truly experiencing something for yourself. A lot of people sell themselves short from some silly notions of their supposed individuality.

That is my point at the end of all of this....the whole idea behind hating whatever everyone on the Bandwagon digs is based on this idea that you are your own person and you don't just go along with the crowd. I can respect that. But not if, in doing so, you just hop on the wagon that is going the other way down the road, because that is just a different gaggle of lemmings headed to a really boring party.

"Apple Dapples"

There are a lot of random things that make me happy, but none quite so much as the names of generic cereal. Since some brand named cereals are $5-6 these days, I imagine I am not the only one who has noticed some of them. These are just a few of my favorites.


There are plenty like these ones...with just a silly sound to them that vaguely describes what they are. But we smart folk can generally figure it out based on our familiarity with the original version, the photo on the box, and our experience with context clues:





Why the extra "r"?



And for those that enjoy getting freaky with their fruits...



Then there are the ones that I can still hear churning through the brains of the creative team as the hours dragged by, stuck in a room with no inspiration left yet still, cereals to name. Someone mutters, "Alright, what've we got? Apples, it tastes like apples. We can't just call it apples....we need another word. 'Apple....', ummm.'Apple Bapple'...'Apple Capple'.....'Apple Dapple'...yeah...yeah, that's got a nice ring to it!":



Or the ones that just could not get any more literal and straight to the point.



I'm unsure how, but this one somehow manages being both too literal and too vague. "With Almonds, Oats, & More (and you pour milk over it and eat it with a spoon...and then you chew it with your mouth...and swallow it down your esophagus and digest it in your belly and eventually poop it out...)". And yet the suspicious "More" leaves far too much mystery for my taste.



These evidently are entirely void of inspiration since I suppose you can't call 'em "Poop Flakes":



But why are they allowed to use this identical name?

"General Beauregard Lee"

I read today that there is, evidently, not just one groundhog that people look towards on Groundhog's Day in order to predict how soon spring will or won't come each year. Mayor Bloomberg took part in a ceremony involving a one, "Staten Island Chuck", who determined that we would have an early spring which is in direct conflict with Punxsutawney Phil's prediction that we are doomed to endure more of the never-ending winter. Now, I am pretty sure that kindergarten was the last time I actually cared whether any groundhog "saw his shadow" as "they" say, but this is the first I've ever heard of other cities holding these ceremonies with multiple other animals. Evidently, there are several; ie....
"Brandon Bob" of Brandon, Manitoba; "Balzac Billy" in Alberta; "General Beauregard Lee" in Lilburn, Georgia; "Shubenacadie Sam" in Nova Scotia; "Staten Island Chuck" in New York; "Gary the Groundhog" in Kleinburg, Ontario, and "Wiarton Willie" in Ontario, among many others."

Now obviously this just makes this already absurd holiday even more ridiculous, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel like naming a few new ones.


"Goombah Gino"
"Crackah Carl"
"Where-there-be-a-fro-there-be-a-pick Leroy"
"Wigger D-Shizzle"
"Wilma the Butch" (need a lady in there!)


Okay....now it's your turn!

Everybody Poops...now with added Fiber!

What the hell is up with all the fiber lately? All the...."probiotics"? When did it become so trendy to take a shit? Haven't we all been doing this for years now? Now it's "in" to be regular, and to let everyone know that we are, or aren’t...by what foods we choose to purchase. Getting a colonic is not a new trend, but you may be as suprised as I was to learn that more than one person thought it would be interesting to tape themselves getting one and post it on youtube? I am all for finding this type of relief, and if I weren't a girl, I would totally poo. It is a natural bodily function, and man does it suck when you can't. But these products are getting out of control! Am I the only one who still feels slightly embarrassed when ordering a raisin bran muffin, because everybody knows that the main reason we make that choice is to facilitate a poo? Not that bran isn't delicious, because I actually kinda dig it, but there is generally only one reason I start to crave it. It is not longer a secret that Jamie Lee Curtis poops...and all because her yogurt has "probiotics"...whatever the hell those are. We see in the Benefiber commercials that it now comes in little flavored drink powders that gorgeous "Sex in the City" type women pop into their water bottles and drink 'til they poo (we don't see that part). You can order a fiber "shot" in your Jamba Juice. Splenda is including "a little boost of fiber" now. Fiber One is making all sorts of new treats which I am promptly trying. Generic labels in the stores are even creating their own cheaper versions of these "Chock-full-o-fiber" delectables. I am antsy with anticipation for the day I learn that Fiber One is partnering with McDonalds for McFiber Fries! Eating too much McDonald's already makes some people poo...but now you will be assured instant relief. Is it all just clever marketing? Is there really added fiber? Or is it like when I see "New! Creamier milk chocolate!" on a candy bar and want to buy it to see for myself. Sure enough it tastes creamier, but is it only because I read it on the label? Will we start pooping more because our Slurpi claims "added Fiber shot!"? Here is what really worries me. Why does our culture need so much fiber? Are we just the most horribly irregular generation? This has clearly reached a moment of supply meeting demand. There is obviously a huge need for all of these products, and every one is jumping on board. What about eating the natural foods that have always had fiber in them? Maybe if our country didn't over process and mass produce everything with high-fructose corn syrup in it, our bodies would function normally. Maybe if the water we drink didn't have traces of prescription drug residue that, as most of their side effects includes constipation, we wouldn't need to pay someone to stick a hose up our ass and flush ourselves out. Why is it so much more expensive to eat foods that keep our body working rather then back them up so that they only thing flowing is our money into more and more bullshit? Why is it so much more convenient just to pick up a granola bar with fiber added (never mind everything else that is)? If I weren't a girl, I would totally change that about myself...but I am a girl, and girls don't poo.