Human BEings

I love words. I love weird words, normal words, words that no one uses anymore. My friends know this about me and have been amused at how much fun I have reading a thesaurus. One good friend even gave me a book of bizarre words for one of my birthdays. I love the idea that all words are simply a series of sounds someone made up and applied meaning to put together to define something else that we are essentially applying meaning to. I love that we have so many words for the same objects or ideas, but some really define a situation much better than others. Some people feel that words limit our interpretation of everything around us, yet without them it would take a lot longer to understand it all.

One phrase that has been blowing me away recently is the word that defines what type of creatures we are. We are human beings. I am a human being. We don't say this is my "cat being". We don't refer to bears as "bear beings". They are simply cats and bears. At what point did someone or some everything define us as not only human, but human beings. There can be no doubt whatsoever as to what that means either. We are constantly being. No
matter how much we dwell in the past or worry about the future, we are always in a state of being. It is the absolute best possible way to describe us! This only hit me a few months ago, and it hit me so hard. How long have I been a human being, and known myself as such, and never thought about what that meant? I have been learning so much
about living in the moment and aligning my energy and thoughts with everything that makes me most happy for a few years now, and still...the simplicity of that term and what it referred to never revealed itself. How many other people never think about what it means to be a human...being? All too often I am just a human-thinking-WAY-too-much! I sort of believe that it is limiting not to refer to other creatures as "creature-beings" as well, since they too, are being. I suppose that comes from the superior mindset of man that animals aren't aware of the fact that they are also being, while we are. I don't know that I believe that. All I do know is that this phrase completely reveals a connection between the incredible power of this universe and us as beings in it. Who knows who made the phrase up or if they meant it to be taken so literally, but I'd like to think they did. This is a phrase that I find so precious! If people really think about it, they may remember what's most important.

It's so easy to get caught up in memories of the past or plans for the future but it helps to remember that all we really ever have is this instant and we need to just let it BE. Let ourselves BE. Just BE!

My "Waking Life"

Why do I keep having recurring nightmarish type dreams where I am still in school and I suddenly remember that I have not attended a certain class all semester and I am terrified it will keep me from graduating? It is generally a science class. I had a break from those dreams until recently, I think. Do you ever dream something that you have previously knowledge of within the dream? It isn't that you are aware that you are dreaming, it's as if it is an actual life which you have actual memories from, but when you wake up you can't tell if you actually did live those moments in prior dreams or if everything, including the remembering of past experiences was encapsulated in that one dream you just woke from. Well I can't be sure if that was a continuation of prior dream experiences or not, but in this dream I realized once again that it was Thursday...and I think I have a science class sometime today, but I can't be sure because I haven't remembered to attend it all semester. What time is that class? Do I even know where it is? And oh, shit...didn't I figure out the last time I did this, that our final was coming up and I was completely unprepared. Even if my professor would overlook the fact that I never came to class all semester, how was I going to pass this exam? I had never even brought my book home! I thought I certainly shouldn't go to class today, because the final was taking place and I had no chance of passing. So I should skip another class, and then find my professor and BEG him to let me take it late. I knew I was going to have to get the book from my locker (yes, I was using a locker in college for some reason) and go home and CRAM everything in my brain temporarily. It would be horrible to not get my degree based on one stupid science academic credit. This was a very common worry when I actually was in school because our school wasn't particularly known for exceptional academic course outside of specific majors. Mine was musical theatre so most of my classmates just had to get our asses to these classes enough to pass them. I often have had these dreams of anxiety that I was not going to get my degree because I had forgotten to attend some class all semester and suddenly I was terrified I would have to stay there longer in order to finish it. I mean, ultimately that is the worst thing that could happen I suppose..I would just have to take that course in the summer or something. I don't know why it brings me so much anxiety. I suppose it is mainly the fear that I would have to tell my mom that I can't graduate yet because I never went to one of my classes. I have always hated the thought of letting her down. Not that she is particularly hard on me, actually she really isn't...but I still hate to let her down...or myself down. That is my worst fear I suppose, that I might let myself and those who care about me down. But ultimately these dreams are so ridiculous because I wake up still feeling nervous about it all and have to keep reminding myself that I have nothing to worry about...I have already graduated! I have a degree (all-be-it a pretty useless one). I had a little break from these dreams until recently. I guess I feel I have been letting myself down somehow? Well writing about this dream just gave me better insight to it than I had before, so that's good. Sometimes just being aware of where it is coming from might help unearth ways to remedy that anxiety. Usually I just feel so ridiculous for these dreams once I remember that I already have achieved what the dream made me so nervous about and there is no good use for this negative energy. If I am holding these anxieties that I am letting myself down, I imagine they are pretty unwarranted and ridiculous as well. If they too serve no purpose why do I hold onto them? I have a great deal to feel good about yet I am entirely too hard on myself. I wouldn't allow someone else to be this hard on me, so why do I put up with it? Well it's about time to stop. If these dreams that feel so genuinely real are completely false scenarios I am fabricating in my mind then the "dream" I am living while awake may present just as many untruths that are as ridiculous to believe as those in my sleeping life. This is what I have been a little obsessed with lately, revealing certain "truths" I have held about myself that no longer serve me and adopting new ones that do. Anyone care to join me?

Living in the moment and more....

Well...since I have been learning a lot lately about a pretty unfortunate situation..I wanted to share a bit of it with you. To preface this, my mother had some unexpected surgery at the beginning of December. She was put on a ventilator which she had difficulty getting off of for the next 10 days.

Basically my mom is recovering VERY well from everything she has just gone through. She still requires some assistance and a lot of physical therapy to get stronger, but no longer needs a hospital. Since her sister works at a nursing home that can provide that, she is staying there. She is a little on the young side to be in a nursing home, but it really is the very best place for her right now. She is definitely improving every day and I am happy I got to spend Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the day after by her side in her room there. It was the first time we saw several of my aunts, uncles, and cousins who all used to gather over Xmas growing up. Most importantly though, was just being with my mom who is alive and getting well...talking and getting back to normal. The first 2 weeks of this month were the hardest of my life and there were a few moments I wasn't sure she'd be around for Xmas. I am learning a lot from this experience watching her heal and work through some difficulties. These are some simple things that people often gently advise us to do all the time...and we definitely don't always think about them, let alone take their advice. How many times have you been told to "live in the moment"? "Just breathe"? "Don't be so hard on yourself!"? Watching my mother work so hard to breathe of the ventilator...watching her overbreathing, much too quick, and not getting a good exhange of oxygen and CO2 because of it... I am reminded how very important breathing slowly and deeply is. I forget to ALL the time. Not knowing from day to day whether she would get off the vent, or need a tracheostomy, or worse, and when I should tell my jobs I will return to NYC to work because anything at all could happen the very next day forced me to live in the moment...as I never had before. Plans for the future? Memories of the past? They mean nothing in this present moment, because it could be all you have. Watching my mother, who is fiercely independent, struggle with relying on those around her for so much more...and causing herself some added physical distress if she was unable (one day) to perform the physical therapy she so anxiously woke up to accomplish...as well as listening to her apologize for all the things she hadn't prepared for to alleviate our stresses throughout this experience reminded me to not be so hard on MYself for everything I don't think I have done yet...or for not having everything happen as I had wanted it to. These stresses we put on ourselves not only prevent us from being happy but often manifest in our bodies...not always in such drastic ways, mind you...but they are never comfortable!

Now, I have always adored my mother. I have been blessed with a pretty incredible family and a mom I don't think I have ever taken for granted. My brother and I may fight, but in the end...we have a great family, and we know it and acknowledge it often. Before any of this, I have been grateful for it. While my mom was in the ICU I was reminded again how incredible she is. When I went home to see her over Christmas, I thought I couldn't possibly be even more grateful for her and more time with her. Then I found out a friend's father passed away the day before Xmas Eve. There is a lot more that goes along with what she is dealing with right now. Suddenly this vast expansive space of gratitude I didn't know existed opened up inside me. In this I feel I have learned the most important truth here... there is no such thing as being too grateful for ANYTHING!

I know that there still may be some tough times ahead, but it is impossible not to be grateful for these lessons I am learning that will continue to help me learn and grow and get through any situations that may arise...whether they are this intense or not!

Happy New Year everyone!!

ConsumeNation

So the internet may be overloaded by the end of this decade. Wow. In three years, the potential exists that there will no longer be any room left here?
http://broadcastengineering.com/news/internet-overloaded-end-decade-1126/

Damn. I don't know why I'm surprised. As Americans we are raised to consume. Myself included. Sure some people say it is better to give than to receive, but most of us do so only when it serves us best. We are raised to consume natural and man-made products without any thought as to where it goes once it goes in the trash can, toilet, or drain. That is, of course, if it reaches these waste receptacles at all (motherfucking litterbugs!). New York City is somewhat anal about their recycling (at least for private residences)...but go upstate and everything goes in the same trash can. This is the case all across our country and it is past time that this should change. We know that we are reaching the limits of what we have allowed of our environment but how many national laws are in place to correct this? If the leaders of our country are just barely starting to be concerned with these things it is no wonder that we aren't. We've had this new cyber-space thing to distract us for a while now. I am quite surprised that we are just learning of the possibility of reaching the ends of the internet less than 3 years before it is possible. Look at how many things are completely reliant on the internet! Even though we too much of our time here, a whole lot more than myspace will be affected. Will more "space" be created? Can more "space" be created on earth? When will we reach our tipping point? I feel we have been teetering for far too long. What else can we create to avoid paying attention to what really matters and abuse that until we become reliant on it and consume it's entirety? How can we become the change that is needed if the people who can make/inspire these changes refuse to? ideas?

(I hereby apologize for the use of the space for this blog)

Chill out, Bitch!

Everytime I get online I feel the need to multi-task. Sometimes I have good reason...and I am very busy with little time to do all I must...so I open up several windows and get to it. I could be in the midst of an email when I remember I should check out some info about an audition and I open a new window to check it out. I could then be going through the casting notices in one when I remember a word I wanted to look up in another, and I do. I could be repeating my cycle of checking one email account, then the next, when I suddenly think that in the past 10 minutes someone might have written to me on myspace...or now facebook...even if I haven't sent out any love, it doesn't stop me from hoping someone sent me some. Sometimes I open up a new window and go back to an old one only to return to the new one having no clue what it's purpose was, but I'll be damned if I don't find one for it. Sometimes I will finish up several things in various windows and close them only to find one still open and see that I was half-way through submitting a resume or posting a comment somewhere. I do this even when I have all the time in the world to be online.

I don't think this is the normal version of A.D.D. that seemed to be the trend when I was in school. This is a new breed that is flourishing via my internet usage with no sign of remission.

The scariest thing is that I just realized I am doing this in my head lately too. I feel like I am constantly multi-tasking everything I think I should be thinking about, opening one window after another only to have to return to each again and again to finish a thought or come to any conclusions or solutions.

Sometimes if I walk away from my computer while I have several windows open and it exits out to the user login section, when I go to sign back in it will notify me that there are already "x" number of applications still running and it will warn me that running too many applications at once is not good for my computer.

I could use the same type of reminder in my brain right about now....and all it would need to say is "Chill out, Bitch!"

Fitness, Made Simple...

it's made for real people.



WHY can't I NOT sing along with this WEIRDASS commercial with the skeletal and leathery 109 year old man and his weird cult followers who have lost weight with his tapes? These commercials have freaked me out from the first time I saw one, but now I actually sing along (as I do with a lot of things), and sometimes continue singing long after it is done....help me stop!!!



If you aren't in NYC, you probably have no clue what I am talking about.

If you are, you still may not. Unfortunately I still do.

Ah sweet mystery of life...

So I am walking home very briskly in the entirely too brisk wintery winds this evening when I find myself walking behind a man who I couldn't seem to walk quickly enough to get around without cutting him off in a strange manor. So I am quickly walking behind him, trying to get out of the cold a.s.a.p. Gaining an uncomfortable distance just behind this man, I worried he might think I was some sort of threat to him, but he never turned around or seemed to notice. All of a sudden I hear the sounds of buttocks clapping against one another and I realize this man is farting...farting in my face. Farting in my face in the cold. The blistering winds blew up into my nostrils and I quickly breathed out so as not to allow the uninvited fumes. I stepped back, my jaw dropped and I turned my head to avoid further inhallation. Who is this man that just farted in my face and why did he care not to notice who was around him? I slowed my pace and watched as he slowed and pulled out his keys and turned to go inside my building. This man is my neighbor!??!! I held back, not wanting any awkward "Yes, I am immediately behind you as I was seconds ago when you farted in my face." moments. I shivered around the corner, hoping he'd quit looking at the mail and just go in so that I might. His physique looked eerily like that of my landlords and I giggled in shock at how things turned out. I ended up giving him a few seconds then rounded the corner, had our awkward hellos (which are always that way, even sans gas), and went inside. WHY did this happen? Seriously. It is so absurd and would be absurd enough had it been a complete stranger, why'd it have to be my landlord? What purpose does this serve in my world other than to crack me up and remind me to not take life too seriously? I spend nearly every second of my world trying to figure everything out and analyzing things into the ground until I want to smack myself...and then think about all the repercussions....and never get around to smacking myself! So if you too have this problem, may someone you barely know let a big one out in front of you on your way home tonight.