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Saturday, January 5, 2008

My "Waking Life"

Why do I keep having recurring nightmarish type dreams where I am still in school and I suddenly remember that I have not attended a certain class all semester and I am terrified it will keep me from graduating? It is generally a science class. I had a break from those dreams until recently, I think. Do you ever dream something that you have previously knowledge of within the dream? It isn't that you are aware that you are dreaming, it's as if it is an actual life which you have actual memories from, but when you wake up you can't tell if you actually did live those moments in prior dreams or if everything, including the remembering of past experiences was encapsulated in that one dream you just woke from. Well I can't be sure if that was a continuation of prior dream experiences or not, but in this dream I realized once again that it was Thursday...and I think I have a science class sometime today, but I can't be sure because I haven't remembered to attend it all semester. What time is that class? Do I even know where it is? And oh, shit...didn't I figure out the last time I did this, that our final was coming up and I was completely unprepared. Even if my professor would overlook the fact that I never came to class all semester, how was I going to pass this exam? I had never even brought my book home! I thought I certainly shouldn't go to class today, because the final was taking place and I had no chance of passing. So I should skip another class, and then find my professor and BEG him to let me take it late. I knew I was going to have to get the book from my locker (yes, I was using a locker in college for some reason) and go home and CRAM everything in my brain temporarily. It would be horrible to not get my degree based on one stupid science academic credit. This was a very common worry when I actually was in school because our school wasn't particularly known for exceptional academic course outside of specific majors. Mine was musical theatre so most of my classmates just had to get our asses to these classes enough to pass them. I often have had these dreams of anxiety that I was not going to get my degree because I had forgotten to attend some class all semester and suddenly I was terrified I would have to stay there longer in order to finish it. I mean, ultimately that is the worst thing that could happen I suppose..I would just have to take that course in the summer or something. I don't know why it brings me so much anxiety. I suppose it is mainly the fear that I would have to tell my mom that I can't graduate yet because I never went to one of my classes. I have always hated the thought of letting her down. Not that she is particularly hard on me, actually she really isn't...but I still hate to let her down...or myself down. That is my worst fear I suppose, that I might let myself and those who care about me down. But ultimately these dreams are so ridiculous because I wake up still feeling nervous about it all and have to keep reminding myself that I have nothing to worry about...I have already graduated! I have a degree (all-be-it a pretty useless one). I had a little break from these dreams until recently. I guess I feel I have been letting myself down somehow? Well writing about this dream just gave me better insight to it than I had before, so that's good. Sometimes just being aware of where it is coming from might help unearth ways to remedy that anxiety. Usually I just feel so ridiculous for these dreams once I remember that I already have achieved what the dream made me so nervous about and there is no good use for this negative energy. If I am holding these anxieties that I am letting myself down, I imagine they are pretty unwarranted and ridiculous as well. If they too serve no purpose why do I hold onto them? I have a great deal to feel good about yet I am entirely too hard on myself. I wouldn't allow someone else to be this hard on me, so why do I put up with it? Well it's about time to stop. If these dreams that feel so genuinely real are completely false scenarios I am fabricating in my mind then the "dream" I am living while awake may present just as many untruths that are as ridiculous to believe as those in my sleeping life. This is what I have been a little obsessed with lately, revealing certain "truths" I have held about myself that no longer serve me and adopting new ones that do. Anyone care to join me?