2020 - The Year That Felt Like a DECADE.

Disclaimer:  This is the Cliffnotes - believe it or not.  Skim if you wish.  Do what you may.  It was a DOOZY!

Remember this time last year when some of us were compiling a review of the last decade?  Who knew that just one tiny year later we would feel the need to do the same in just as immense a fashion?  2020 had the distinct audacity to somehow flew by while simultaneously dragging on in the same fashion of an entire decade.  And while we have all very much looked forward to 2021 - it's impossible to imagine everything will just immediately get better again with the turning of the page on the calendar.  I know we have figured this out by now - and no one truly expects 2021 to be some magically amazing new year (at least any more than some people always anticipate any new year being the year they actually do all the things they list in their resolutions yet quickly disregard).  But, honestly, I feel like 2020 has changed us all in the way that whatever improvements we experience beyond this grueling year must come gradually and it's highly possible that "back to normal" may take another 4 years or more.  Maybe there is no way we can ever get back there.  I don't feel like I can.  Though - in many ways that is not a bad thing.  "Normal" before wasn't good for everyone and prioritized many unhealthy things (umm...Racism/Capitalism/The Patriarchy anyone?) - but I'm not really even talking about all of that exactly.  I'm mostly thinking about what happens after one goes through a life-changing event - like having your heart broken or experiencing the death of a very close loved one.  It changes the fibers of our being.  It changes the way we think and love.  It feels like it changes our actual DNA (that is - the .1 percent out of the 99.9 WE ALL SHARE IDENTICALLY).  We have all gone through this together this year - and anything we experience from here on out can only be experienced through the senses of beings who have gone through this shared trauma.  Nothing will ever be the same again.  I only wish we were all on the same page about it all.  Some people live their entire lives without an opportunity like we have here.  We had a once in a CENTURY opportunity to UNITE and actually take care of one another and half of the country decided that wasn't important enough to them.  I'd be lying if I said that I haven't lost almost all the little faith I had in humanity this year.  And I'm not even here to discuss politics- as none of this should have ever been "political" in the first place.  Though scratch that - because the basic health and care of human beings lives IS political.  If you "aren't political" you are very very privileged/selfish.  What it shouldn't have ever become was something that divided us.  For once we all were in the same exact boat - subject to the same deadly virus, needing to do the same BASIC things to protect one another.  Unfortunately some chose to believe otherwise and continue to do so.  I will never understand this.

But hey - I didn't come here to write my opinions about the 2020 we all experienced together.  I am actually here to document what a Shitshow it was for me and my little family.  Mostly I have kept a lot of this to myself as I feel like - without being sick/dying from Covid - my family and I shouldn't fucking complain.  I 100% understand that EVERYone is going THROUGH it this year and we are not alone - but honestly - I keep forgetting about some of the major things that happened through this year and felt the need to write them down - if only for my sake!  I don't share every little thing that happens to me on the social medias - and some may get the impression that all is well or perfect in my world.  I think it's fun to get a peek into each other's worlds on a personal level from time to time.  I miss the olden days when I'd send a mass email update and old friends would crawl out of the woodwork and update me on their lives!  But also - at one point I did reach out to some close friends saying I may want to plan a zoom or something - and got a few responses with their availabilities - and then I proceeded to drop the ball entirely.  I thought it might be nice to know why I did that.  So here goes.

My Quarantine Days started off pretty great.  I have been fortunate enough to have my full-time day job this entire time from home.  That. Is. Awesome.  I had just adopted my kitty Moira around Feb 1 last year so she was VERY happy to have me home to play with all day long!  

(she literally never does this - this was the ONLY time she did!)

My roommate and I are especially lucky to have a lovely roof area (feels like walking out onto a deck) - so any time we need fresh air we can just take a stroll out there and safely/unmasked bask in the outdoors.  

The only complaint I really had was one I really shouldn't share because I 100% understand how LUCKY I am to have a job.  I've spent the majority of my existence in NYC prior to the past 4 years working freelance day jobs and know what it's like to be out of work/looking for work/terrified where my next paycheck is coming from.  It's something I identify with and empathize with immensely.  I HAVE NOT forgotten where I came from and could return to at any moment.  But my current dayjob - is a long day - and often I am literally WORKING every minute of it.  It's not all cushy and chill where I can do other things while I'm working and honestly when I'd be done - even working from home all day and eliminating the commute - all I could bring myself to do was watch Netflix and zone out.  So - watching everyone around me fill their days with creative new hobbies/taking courses/making funny videos/recording songs/doing livestreams/starting creative businesses they always wanted to start/etc...had me a tiny bit jealous.  Yet I knew for CERTAIN if I were unemployed - I would NOT have those creative juices flowing.  That's just not how my juices work.  Ew.  Now you know.  So this FOMO while having a stable paycheck coming in is INSANE - but it has been a part of my reality this whole time.  I think part of that comes from the idea that, as a creative person, we always need to be doing something creative...and when we're not - we feel like we are failing.  We not only have to work multiple day jobs to pay the bills but also need to get brand new creative business off the ground BY OURSELVES against immense competition AT THE SAME TIME.  Creatives don't have "off-time".  That's something I battle outside of pandemic life - so why would this be any different?  That's a topic for another time - but I honestly do hope that EVERYone is FINALLY relieving themselves of this pressure - not just for this year when we could barely achieve anything because of horror-flick-realness - but for ALL years - because that pressure is anti-productive and brings more distress than it does creativity.

So everything was going fine until....

APRIL:

- I get a RANDOM-ass toothache and need an emergency tooth extraction.  Finding an oral surgeon during the shut down was TOUGH AS HELL.  AND they wouldn't allow me to use nitrous oxide (laughing gas) because of fears of Covid getting into the gas - so I had to do it with just novocain.  UGH.  I'm a baby about this okay??  It. Was. Not. Cute.  So I had about a week of excruciating pain leading up to the extraction - then - for WHAT reason I don't know - after that fucker was gone - I had ANOTHER TWO WEEKS OF PAIN??? I've had tooth extractions before and when it's gone - the pain is gone - and your mouth just takes a few days to feel fine.  I don't know WHAT this was but it SUCKED.  Especially because they don't really prescribe good pain meds anymore because they got so many hooked on opioids - when you actually NEED 'em - FUCK YOU

- My 79 year old Mom RANDOMLY injures her hand opening a bottle of Mountain Dew - requiring an ER visit and EMERGENCY PLASTIC SURGERY on her hand in the middle of the night.  It's called Compartment Syndrome - and evidently not uncommon.  The actual surgery went smoothly but she did encounter some random complications after being sent home and had to go back to the hospital - for a small time being unable to really communicate properly with my brother and I in Brooklyn.  It. Was. Scary.

- Somewhere in here - my Uncle Tom passed away in his nursing home.  Not from Covid - but still.  Mom and his other sisters all were able to get on a Face time with him and say goodbye - I think my mom was even still in the hospital herself at this point.  This is the first of her siblings to pass away - mom's the oldest.  No regular funeral of course - just a Zoom with all the cousins and a small attempt at a gathering a few weeks later into the summer.  NOT the send-out my Uncle Tom deserved.

- This injury was on Mom's dominant hand and just before the Pandemic - she bought herself a new single floor home (rather than the 3 floor home she's lived in for about 47 years).  So she had to move out of my childhood home and into her new home and get the old home on the market and SELL IT ASAP so she didn't have 2 mortgages and 2 sets of utility payments.  So - even without having hurt her hand - she was going to need some help so....

MAY:

- Scott (my brother) goes to Pittsburgh to live with/help mom with daily activities and packing for the move.  

- This will become more relevant in my JULY update - but - just for the sake of chronology - I love taking long-ass walks - and had been wanting, through all of the pandemic, to see if I could walk into the city from my place in Brooklyn (I'm near Sunset Park if you're looking on a map/are familiar).  It's far.  But on my 18th year Anniversary of living in NYC - I walked all the way to Times Square!  I did take the subway back.  I could have walked back if I had started earlier in the day - but by that point in the day the timing was better to take the train.  I had not been on the island of Manhattan since March - and I needed to BE with my aching/lonely city on this anniversary!

JUNE:

I go to Pittsburgh to relieve Scott and take the reins.  I help mom set a date for the move/schedule movers - and pack nearly every last box with her instructions into the wee small hours of the morning about mid-way through the month.  Now - mom has always kept up with the old house and has been anticipating a move/selling it for decades now - so she's done TONS to prepare it for this sale - but there are still a lot of little odds and ends that need done and there's always more than you think once the inspectors do their thing (especially on an older house like this - with all of the new requirements for homes).  So we start getting all of these last details worked on as well.

JULY: 

- My brother and I switch places again and I head back to Brooklyn.  Gearing up for some long healthy WALKS all around NYC, possibly some socially distant meet-ups/picnics in my favorite season, FINALLY getting out there to some protests I was only able to WATCH on TV and had been DYING to be a part of, and just a few days before my birthday - I promptly take a tumble one night in that first week on the corner at my neighborhood bodega and sprain my ankle/scrape up my elbow and hand and must have done a number on my back muscles as that hurt worse than anything for the next week or two.  Thankfully all I needed was a walking brace thing for my foot - but I definitely couldn't do all the walking I had wanted to do!  The good thing was that - once my back felt better - my foot wasn't that bad and I DID end up finding myself at a few protests - which I had been YEARNING for.  And I got some crazy walks in....I walked all the way to Coney Island!

- Meanwhile - back in Pittsburgh - Mom's back is feeling wonky.  She has had a few back problems over the course of the past 10 years and a few surgeries on it.  This current pain sends her to the hospital and then a nursing home for assistance - maybe this is around 2.5-3 weeks time?  My brother can't see her in the nursing home due to covid precautions - she has a horrible time there and only stays a week - and returns home.  She is only given some pain meds and physical therapy visits at the house.  She is still in horrible pain.

MID-AUGUST: 

- My brother and I switch places again - him back in Brooklyn - me with mom.  Mom never really is feeling better - and her mood reflects this.  It's scary - and I can't help her feel better.  We are all scared - she is scared that maybe she shouldn't have made this move.  All she has ever done was try to make things as EASY as possible for my brother and I and this move was precisely a part of that plan.  The last thing she ever wanted to do was cause us stress or need our care under these circumstances.  We have the anxieties of the old house still not being ready to be on the market/sold - and she is just in so much pain - regardless of whatever pain meds she takes.  We do the physical therapy and she is fighting like the fighter that she always has been.  It's hard and scary.  Then there was a glimmer of hope about 3 weeks in where I thought she might be feeling better - but everything turned around and suddenly she was experiencing a new horrible pain on top of the other previous excruciating pain.  This was Labor Day weekend - she stuck it out until she couldn't anymore and on Labor Day we had the ambulance come take her to the ER.  Thankfully they let me in with her there - and through the night we eventually learned that she has TWO compression fractures.  TWO.  AND ONE HAD BEEN THERE DURING HER LAST STAY IN THE HOSPITAL A FEW WEEKS AGO THAT NO ONE EVER TOLD HER ABOUT - NOR SUGGESTED SURGERY ON.  !??!?!??!?!?!??!?  So all of that time trying to recover/heal - she had a compression fracture.  It's not surprising she got another one - since she did not know about the first.  She is scheduled for a double kyphoplasty.  She has actually had a few of these through the years and they can be wonderful - are non-invasive - and often relief can be nearly immediate.  

- During the time mom was in the hospital - in addition to working my day job - I was running to the hospital and the old house in order to manage the work being done there - which had finally been promised to be complete by the end of that week - but which, unfortunately, required my going there every other day or so to see what was still left to do.  So that was also happening.

- Mom comes home by the end of that week and I think - sheesh - we're bound to see some improvements now.  Alas in my last few weeks there - it didn't seem like the double back surgery brought her much relief.  I continued to be scared maybe she was just going to be like this forever and there was nothing I could do to stop her pain.

- THANKFULLY we finally get the last minute touches done on the old house and hand over the keys to the realtor to put that house on the market!!!!!  We receive an offer in 3 days!  WOO HOOO!!!  Evidently it's very much a sellers market right now in the suburbs.  We Accept.  We begin to await the paperwork/behind the scenes bank stuff to go through.

- About a week and a half before I was due to switch out with my brother again- one of his cats got sick...then the 2nd one did as well - requiring him to stick around and give them daily meds.  So my 5 week stay became a 6 week stay (and he had to cancel a small get away he had been planning :( ).  

MID SEPTEMBER:

- Scott returns to Pittsburgh and I return to Brooklyn.  P.S. this entire time when he's away - I am taking care of his kitties (as I thankfully now live only 2 blocks away from him - the Universe works in mysterious ways...) - so now I return with the anxiety of hoping they both remain well after their courses of antibiotics - as I am checking on them every other day - not living with them - as I have my OWN kitty to live and love!  Also - it's tough enough to get your OWN cat in a carrier or administer meds....doing it with cats that aren't YOURS - can be impossible.

- I end up REALLY making use of a week off work I take - and some AMAZING weather - making it out to leaf peep and apple pick - and really have quite a lovely time on my 6 weeks back in NYC (because I was in Pittsburgh for 6 weeks last time - Scott is now there for the same).  I even pop into another protest or two.

- I must say - the 6 weeks I spent last with mom were some of the most challenging of my life in many ways I can't possibly detail here - but ultimately just being scared of her level of pain/discomfort and not knowing what to do - or whether she will be able to continue to live alone there in her lovely new home.  I ADORE my mom and spending time with her - but I was really scared of what the future held when I returned.

- Somewhere in here we think we are going to have the closing on the sale of the old house around Nov. 4th.....

NOVEMBER 

- We learn near the Closing date that the buyer's loan was NOT approved.  Someone on his end is going to try to get it through again with some additional details that were not included the first time.  We begin to wait anew.

- I return to Pittsburgh on the day Joe Biden is announced the winner of the election (thank you JESUS) as my brother drives back to Brooklyn.  I am nervous - but from the instant I walk in the door I can see that Mom is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY better!  Like - WORLD'S different from how I left her!  She is up and about - she is on less pain meds - WAY less groggy....she is....HER again!  I was SOOOOO relieved - and a little confused why Scott never told me how much better she was!  But he likely caught her on her upswing after I left and didn't see the huge shift.  PHEW!!!!!!!  She is not pain-free - but she is doing really really well all around!

- Mom and I have an excellent November - and lots of fun like we used to - the only thing looming is whether or not this sale will go through on the house - because if it doesn't - OOF - it will be scary financially - waiting until the new year to get another buyer and play this waiting game again.  We get to spend Thanksgiving together!  In a year where most people aren't getting to see loved ones - this is one benefit to all of this insanity - we've been able to spend so much time with mom (even if it wasn't always relaxed and without anxiety for all of these other reasons).

- Just before Thanksgiving we find out the buyer's loan HAS BEEN ACCEPTED!!!!!  But no closing date has been set.  We are afraid to tell anyone again lest we jinx it.  We continue waiting.

DECEMBER

- Scott drives back to Pittsburgh as I drive back to Brooklyn.  All is fairly calm as we await the closing on the house.  There is a little bit more of a run-around with this as it was set for a Friday - only to be cancelled just the night before - and set for supposedly Monday.....Monday comes and - WE FINALLY CLOSE AND SELL THE DAMN HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!  WEEEE HOOOOOOOO!!!!  

-  I had been noticing some signs around my brother's apartment that his girl kitty wasn't doing great...but I wasn't certain.  She had some behavior changes and something was off.  On the same Monday we closed on the house - it became obvious that I would need to bring her to the ER.  It was a bit of a long night with my awaiting word (they don't let you inside the offices to wait due to covid - THANKFULLY there is a hotel across the street I could wait in as it was COLD AS HELL that night!).  They were mostly connecting with Scott by phone to make decisions - and he decided to leave her overnight.  The next morning unfortunately it was decided that she would need to be put down.  Evidently she had lymphoma and chemo would only maybe give her another 3 months.  It's so sad because she was only around 9 years old and really tough with him in another state and unable to be with her at the time.  I've been trying to go over and visit the other guy more often since he's all alone in there now and a VERY social dude.  Poor guy.

- I put up my first Christmas tree in YEARS!  I am usually galavanting all over the city and New Jersey on caroling gigs + regular work all of this season so I am never home to ENJOY a tree.  It has been delightful and I hope to make it happen from here on out even if I am busy as hell again in the future!  I enjoyed a solo Christmas day which was just fine by me.....as I am headed back to Mom again at the end of this week for January. 

So there you go.  Of course I have loads more that went on in/around this - like ALL of us did, with:

- The loss of the Broadway/the Arts in many ways and what that means to myself and all of my friends (those consistently working in the industry/those not but trying/those who just miss it as audience members) .

- The George Floyd protests: It KILLED me to not have participated physically in as many as I would have liked but even when I was back in the city I limited my exposure just in case - as I knew I couldn't help mom/relieve Scott if I caught Covid.  But I do still pop in on them here and there.  AMAZING that they are STILL GOING STRONG even in winter all these months later!  But - as my education on social justice issues didn't just begin this summer - it's been so wonderful to have so many more join the fight. I have only amped up my efforts to continue to learn about all of this and about our true history/my part in perpetuating racism - attempting to take as many actions as I possibly can to help in my pursuit of being 100% anti-racist.  But, possibly most importantly, I spend some quality time going through the Me & the White Supremacy workbook every week with a work group on Zoom.

Good LORD I can't post ALL the pictures here - it would be SO DAMN MANY.  Seriously.  How do I pick?  TOO DAMN MANY.  MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!

- The election: holy MOLY I can't believe I had to LEAVE my city just as the celebrations ERUPTED - but at least I experienced a wee 20 minute parade as I drove the rental car back to my house to pack for my drive!

- The Georgia Run-Offs (I wrote/sent out 100 postcards to Georgia Voters, donated, and did some phone-banking to get out that vote!!!).  Admittedly I was a bit confused about the existence of these Run-Offs....as we don't hear about them all that often.  Sadly I am not surprised to have learned this week about The Racist History of Georgia's Run-offs.

- and just - EVERYTHING ELSE.....

So - if I ghosted you - this is why.  Just as I yearned for more free time during my work day - this year also just found me yearning to be as BORED as a lot of other people said they were.  Again - I get it - if I had no job I wouldn't be bored - I'd be TERRIFIED.  I know how lucky I am to be working through all of this - to have had no hinderance on that when I then needed to work from my mother's home in Pittsburgh.  I get it.  I am SUPREMELY lucky.  But man - boredom (along with being able to pay my rent/bills) sounds nice.

P.S.  If anyone wants to see the only house I've ever known which we are saying goodbye to....... check out my childhood home!!!  We loved it so.  

P.P.S. I almost forgot.  I did manage to participate in some Zoom readings/recordings which are not available for sharing and created a few things in spite of everything above:

- sang this beautiousness with the Magical Gabby Ess

- harmonized with a new friend I've yet to meet

- I indulged my need for escape with this lil' bop 

- sang with my caroling family from afar for Christmas in July and a few for the actual holiday season

- I even got to vent some of my frustrations through my alter ego Maggie with this, 

this, 

and this!

- and of course I never stop doodling - #cantstopwontstop  

I literally have NO idea what the future holds. I don't know how long my brother and I will be making this commute.  All I know is that this year has challenged every single one of us beyond our capacities - but some of us are still here to tell the tale.  If you are - and you still don't fear Covid - WAKE THE FUCK UP.  The long term effects beyond death are - as yet unknown.  I know people who only JUST NOW are able to taste/smell food again 10 MONTHS AFTER HAVING HAD COVID.  That's is a somewhat little inconvenience but it just I dare you to not have taste/smell for 10 months and you tell me how that feels.  That's just ONE symptom with LONG-TERM effects long after a mild bout with Covid occurs.  There are larger and more unknown extenuating symptoms people endure from this.  The biggest sadness/exhaustion/frustration I've experienced overlaying ALL of what I wrote above is the notion that some people still think they HAVE to go get together with others.  Some people refuse to "live in fear".  Some people prioritize their needs above ANYone else's at the expense of those they are closest to who may suffer - but worse - at the expense of ALL OTHERS who they may never even be AWARE that they effect.  I. Will. Never. Understand.  There are people DYING FROM COVID who REFUSE to believe that they HAVE Covid - due to the ridiculous disinformation campaign the always-a-scam-artist-president continued to spread until he now needs to pretend he didn't lose the election.  This was a chance for that monster to redeem himself - EASILY - but his narcissism made that impossible - yet again.  I don't know how we will will ever recover from this MINDFUCK of a year - but I can assure you the answer lies in SCIENCE - and TAKING CARE OF EACHOTHER.  Because I LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF ALL OF YOU DAMNIT.....

 

Especially THIS FIERCE WOMAN:

 And this fierce dude:

Let's take CARE of EACH OTHER people. PLEASE.  If not now - when?

 

 

 

  

Wait - what just happened?

Reading everyone's years/decades in review posts has inspired me to do the same.  I am still undecided on sharing this as there will be some very personal things included but I still want to be as honest as possible.  This wasn't on my to do list and rarely is at the end of a year/decade.  While I don't begrudge those that love them - resolutions have never quite been my thing.  I make attempts/changes throughout the entire year so as not to put so much pressure on those made at the start of the new one.  When I would think on the past decade I found myself a little startled at all I hadn't been thinking of and started feeling like it might be helpful for me to put it all into perspective if only for myself.

The decade started out pretty great on my end!  I performed my first solo cabaret at The Duplex to a sold out crowd and worked quite a bit that entire year both on performing projects in the city as well as at my old theatre home away from home upstate at the Theater Barn where I ended up doing 3 shows that summer.  After flailing a wee little bit for some of the decade prior with older once-strong friendships having drifted out of my grasp I had found myself a new little handful of close friends and was having a ball.  2010 is when I discovered and was gifted the perfect set of BABY ARMS!! Guys....2010 was the birth of BABY ARMS!

Shortly after the start of the decade - I met and started singing with the AWESOMENESS of the Tara Lynne Band which provided more hours of enjoyment than I could ever properly explain here.  I discovered more of what I was capable of as a singer and (semi)percussionist.  This magic is only possible when you work with people who truly believe in you as much as you do them.  We all brought out the best in each other and that mutual respect and appreciation elevated each one of us.  The time we spent together laughing, creating music, supporting one another, LAUGHING and being plain ole' whackadoodles were some of the best times I will ever have in my entire life.  We even recorded an awesome ALBUM with many of your generous help (THANK YOU)!  Eventually, after moving out to Jersey (more info below), and commuting to Brooklyn for at least a year for all our rehearsals/gigs I did have to say goodbye to this wonderful band as it had gotten to be too much.  Thankfully we remain friends to this day and I still love them and the time I had with them so so much!

I had started out the decade extremely single (as I tend to be) yet I was also coming to terms with the fact that not every one is meant to find someone and spend forever with them and that this was honestly FINE.  It was FREEING!  It felt quite awesome to no longer be thinking of that "someday" with "that person" I might actually never meet.  I was a bit irked at a society which taught me to always be looking for that and expecting that it was guaranteed to happen and then it would 100% never end.  If anything - life has taught me that nothing is forever and even the most "perfect" couples/relationships don't.  I had finally reflected on all of the years I was single and sad about it as such a huge waste of time.  I was finally thinking about how a future with just me would be and I was diggin' it!  I would try to explain this to people and without fail - my revelations were ALWAYS met with pity and assurances that of course I would meet someone.  They just weren't listening - it didn't MATTER if I did!

Shortly after kicking things off with TLB  - low and behold and much to my surprise - I fell in love.  Hard and fast.  It is far too much and too personal to share in this format on this platform and I could never do it all justice in brief.  I can't possibly express how much good we had out there and how there was still happiness and deep love throughout.  That's what made it so hard/confusing.  Let's just say that - I moved out of NYC (where I still very much wanted to live) and deep into Jersey for an opportunity at a life with someone I was madly in love with.  The pressure that type of move put on our relationship to continue being what it was at the start ultimately must have been too much.  I am not sure.  I still don't quite understand what happened with this situation.  All I know is that things changed and I got very depressed about it.  The deep depression was also a result of not discussing it with anyone.  I was embarrassed and thought we'd get through it together so why discuss with friends or family?  The few friends I would have discussed it with were all dealing with some pretty big things themselves and either weren't available or I didn't want to burden them with it.  This all caused my first true depression.  This was evidently too much for one of my closest friendships to weather so on top of this partner breakup I also had a best friend breakup.  I will spare you of details here and believe it or not - THIS is the shortest possible story for me about it.  Obviously things didn't work out and that relationship ended.  I do not regret the move even though things did not work out.  It was absolutely what I was supposed to do at that time and I jumped in and gave that relationship everything I knew how to give it. 

Other things happened while I was living out there.  Sadly, my sweet kitty Maverick got sick shortly after I settled in out there and while we were able to make him feel better for a little while - his time with me did come to an end.  He was my boy of 16.5 years.  I still miss him every day.  As soon as I moved out to Jersey I booked an off-broadway show in the city and worked the most as a performer I ever had in one year following it!  I did have the WONDERFUL opportunity to work at The Growing Stage and finally get my Equity card at this lovely theatre 10 minutes from my house!   This was exciting for so many reasons not the least of which is that - after 10 years working in theatre in/around New York - I had started to think this just would never happen.

So very middle of the decade found me deeply depressed and starting all over again in NYC.  I lived on my brother's futon and then in his (very large) closet for a wee bit and then found a place back in Astoria.  I thought my depression was situational and after our relationship ended and I was back in my city I would start to feel like myself again.  This would take much longer than I had anticipated.  I hesitate to list this part for fear it will seem attention seeking but honestly it's my truth and it's a massive part of what I experienced in this decade.  I'm still trying to process it all so to leave it out would feel wrong.  Who the hell knows - maybe it will be useful to someone else going through something similar?  The few closest friendships I had had morphed into new things as everyone was going through their respective hardships/lives.  I tried calling on the old friends who had painfully drifted years before and found no one was in a space to be there for me.  This was hardest of all and honestly continues to be.  I found myself starting fresh in every single way and was frustrated that I wasn't starting to feel like myself again yet.  At my absolute lowest and with zero confidence in any area I needed to go out and make new friends.  Making new friends and then venting to them is not ideal (especially when I was afraid it was my venting that had pushed all of my other close friends away).  My mom and I have always been close but she grew to be about the only one I could vent to anymore.   So, while I did make new friends and while old ones were definitely there when they could be, I really felt so very alone through all of this.  That also is a symptom of the depression but it definitely was a different experience than I had ever had in any previous breakups/hardships (which of course were never as hard as this).  It made me so grateful for all of the years I did have consistent and close friends to talk to and sort things out with - but how had I lost most of them?  What did I do to cause this?  How could I change whatever it was about me that made people no longer want to be close?  This type of thinking is inevitable and useful in life - but also not helpful with the depression I was already amidst.  My mom even had some major back issues/surgeries throughout all this time as well which my brother and I would spend time in Pittsburgh to help her out with as we could.  Freelance work was tougher to come by then it had been when I was younger....I was barely making ends meet.  I randomly fell down a flight of stairs in my sleep while staying at a friends' home and broke my foot.  Not great when ALL of your freelance work is on your feet + you live in NYC and have to walk everywhere!  Then Trump was elected.  It was fun.

Shortly after the holidays that year I started a temp to perm job at a new small company for a man who 100% supported me auditioning and pursuing performing jobs while I worked for him.  I found a Unicorn of a job!  This did WONDERS for my ever-slowly heightening mood.  Having some financial stability while also having permission to continue to pursue my dreams was pure magic in absolutely every way.  It took a lot of pressure off of auditions and I could go to more of them as a result of being in the union + not having to choose between ones due to work.  I was able to save some money and move into a lovely apartment with only one roommate (I love my old ones but 4 people to one bathroom in a place directly underneath the subway was not perfection).  This job enabled me to enjoy the AWESOMENESS of Mark Fisher Fitness, buy new headshots, get myself some Actor Therapy, start training with an incredible new voice teacher who is blowing my mind, and start doing other fun stuff around the city I never had any money to do: seeing more shows, get my nails did (you're welcome for all my pics),  and going to the Jazz Age Lawn Party...AND FINALLY LEAVE THIS CONTINENT AND GO TO LONDON!!!!!

Having my Equity card is WONDERFUL for many reasons but it made it tougher to book work (as it tends to do for non-dancer folk like me).  I had to say goodbye to my home away from home at The Theater Barn where I was fortunate to do some really awesome shows over a full decade of summers!  I was so grateful for pretty consistent work at The Growing Stage while I lived out near them and even booked a new theatre for my resume reprising one of my favorite roles as The Drowsy Chaperone!  For better or worse - I never stopped auditioning all through my healing after the breakup and was getting some callbacks but not seeing any bookings.  This always sucks but having the new Unicorn job which allowed all of the auditions reinvigorated me and it took the pressure off of booking work. Then BOOM - the end of 2018 found me on stage again at The Fireside Theatre in "Elf" and I could NOT have been giddier!

2019 did not bring me any official stage show experiences which never feels great - but I did do some awesome readings, voiced/puppeteered some awesome characters (starting in 2018) with Max's Fancy Monsters, and started singing out with a singer/songwriter I've always adored (Gabby Ess)!  To say that I'm okay with all of the great auditions I had this past year without any coming to fruition would be a lie.  It's never okay when it feels like you are getting no signals from the Universe that you are on the right path and it feels like you are just spinning your wheels in the mud - but I've been here before and I know this place a little too well.  It only gets harder with every year I'm at it but as long as I still want to - and can - I will pursue it. 

This decade has brought with it many lessons and revelations.  All of which are very much works in process:

- I have been inspired to be even more politically active and have gone to countless rallies/protests/marches after having enjoyed a mini break there for a few years.  I have learned so much about racial injustice and white privilege.  I have yearned for ways to create actual change outside of posts on Facebook, discussions with friends and family, and tagging along to other people's events.  I have yet to figure this out but continue to try.  Mostly I just feel overwhelmed with all of the good I want to do in the world that I do almost nothing and then get mad at myself for it.

- Don't even get me started on the #metoo revelations I continue to have.

- There is no way to detail all of this now but I discovered some ideas about body positivity and health at every size which has completely turned me upside-down in terms of my body issues.  This would be another whole post and I am not necessarily in the most positive place about all of this but I have learned too much about the futility of dieting and in it I've revealed just how unhealthy my relationship with my own body is.  There is WAY too much to unpack here but let's just say that I am on a path of discovery with this that I never anticipated needing so badly but it may just be the key to many other parts of my well-being.

- I understand that friendships change and nothing is forever.  I mostly understand that everyone is going through their own shit and often barely have the capacity to handle theirs let alone anyone else's.  As a result I no longer expect that from anyone and learned I could get through the worst time in my life so far with mostly just myself (and my mom).  I don't want to ignore the fact that I did have a handful of folks from time to time but on a day to day basis in the state I was in - it was really rough.  I still have a lot of hurt I am working through about the friends who are no longer in my life and I still try very hard to understand the part I played in that.  I can drive myself crazy with self-reflection but I genuinely hope I have been there for people when they needed me most and I hope I can continue to be.  And if I'm ever not - I hope if they confront me about it - I will be able to genuinely say I'm sorry and then do better.

I'm still single as the day is long and find myself returning to the revelations of the beginning of the decade that if it's just me and me for the rest of my life that's just fine.  It's honestly terrifying to think of going through all of that again.  I don't mean that I wouldn't but man - if it means a deep isolating depression where I temporarily lose a lot of the bits of me I love the most and when I finally put myself back together I'm basically a whole different person with some of the same ingredients...I'm in no rush.  That doesn't mean I regret it - it just means - sheesh....how the hell do some people do this so much more often than I?

I am so grateful for the new friends I've made, those acquaintances I was able to become closer with through this, the old friends who I found my way back to, and all who were there for me whenever they were able.  It is impossible to express just how much I appreciate each and every one.  I am grateful to have gone through the depression because I now have a much fuller understanding of what my friends and family with it go through.  I now have a much better sense of how to make space for those in that state of mind than I ever could have before.  My brother and I have grown closer as a result.  This decade may have been the biggest in terms of growth (the toughest ones usually are I guess) even if I am still figuring a lot of it out.  Writing this out was helpful for me to acknowledge this.  If you've made it this far - thank you very much.  I needed to do this for me and I am not sure whether I needed to share it.  It's highly likely very few people will even read most of it anyway so what the hell? Regardless (and even if you skimmed) I wish you the very best year/decade of your life!