Now with special sauce.

Friday, January 3, 2020

Wait - what just happened?

Reading everyone's years/decades in review posts has inspired me to do the same.  I am still undecided on sharing this as there will be some very personal things included but I still want to be as honest as possible.  This wasn't on my to do list and rarely is at the end of a year/decade.  While I don't begrudge those that love them - resolutions have never quite been my thing.  I make attempts/changes throughout the entire year so as not to put so much pressure on those made at the start of the new one.  When I would think on the past decade I found myself a little startled at all I hadn't been thinking of and started feeling like it might be helpful for me to put it all into perspective if only for myself.

The decade started out pretty great on my end!  I performed my first solo cabaret at The Duplex to a sold out crowd and worked quite a bit that entire year both on performing projects in the city as well as at my old theatre home away from home upstate at the Theater Barn where I ended up doing 3 shows that summer.  After flailing a wee little bit for some of the decade prior with older once-strong friendships having drifted out of my grasp I had found myself a new little handful of close friends and was having a ball.  2010 is when I discovered and was gifted the perfect set of BABY ARMS!! Guys....2010 was the birth of BABY ARMS!

Shortly after the start of the decade - I met and started singing with the AWESOMENESS of the Tara Lynne Band which provided more hours of enjoyment than I could ever properly explain here.  I discovered more of what I was capable of as a singer and (semi)percussionist.  This magic is only possible when you work with people who truly believe in you as much as you do them.  We all brought out the best in each other and that mutual respect and appreciation elevated each one of us.  The time we spent together laughing, creating music, supporting one another, LAUGHING and being plain ole' whackadoodles were some of the best times I will ever have in my entire life.  We even recorded an awesome ALBUM with many of your generous help (THANK YOU)!  Eventually, after moving out to Jersey (more info below), and commuting to Brooklyn for at least a year for all our rehearsals/gigs I did have to say goodbye to this wonderful band as it had gotten to be too much.  Thankfully we remain friends to this day and I still love them and the time I had with them so so much!

I had started out the decade extremely single (as I tend to be) yet I was also coming to terms with the fact that not every one is meant to find someone and spend forever with them and that this was honestly FINE.  It was FREEING!  It felt quite awesome to no longer be thinking of that "someday" with "that person" I might actually never meet.  I was a bit irked at a society which taught me to always be looking for that and expecting that it was guaranteed to happen and then it would 100% never end.  If anything - life has taught me that nothing is forever and even the most "perfect" couples/relationships don't.  I had finally reflected on all of the years I was single and sad about it as such a huge waste of time.  I was finally thinking about how a future with just me would be and I was diggin' it!  I would try to explain this to people and without fail - my revelations were ALWAYS met with pity and assurances that of course I would meet someone.  They just weren't listening - it didn't MATTER if I did!

Shortly after kicking things off with TLB  - low and behold and much to my surprise - I fell in love.  Hard and fast.  It is far too much and too personal to share in this format on this platform and I could never do it all justice in brief.  I can't possibly express how much good we had out there and how there was still happiness and deep love throughout.  That's what made it so hard/confusing.  Let's just say that - I moved out of NYC (where I still very much wanted to live) and deep into Jersey for an opportunity at a life with someone I was madly in love with.  The pressure that type of move put on our relationship to continue being what it was at the start ultimately must have been too much.  I am not sure.  I still don't quite understand what happened with this situation.  All I know is that things changed and I got very depressed about it.  The deep depression was also a result of not discussing it with anyone.  I was embarrassed and thought we'd get through it together so why discuss with friends or family?  The few friends I would have discussed it with were all dealing with some pretty big things themselves and either weren't available or I didn't want to burden them with it.  This all caused my first true depression.  This was evidently too much for one of my closest friendships to weather so on top of this partner breakup I also had a best friend breakup.  I will spare you of details here and believe it or not - THIS is the shortest possible story for me about it.  Obviously things didn't work out and that relationship ended.  I do not regret the move even though things did not work out.  It was absolutely what I was supposed to do at that time and I jumped in and gave that relationship everything I knew how to give it. 

Other things happened while I was living out there.  Sadly, my sweet kitty Maverick got sick shortly after I settled in out there and while we were able to make him feel better for a little while - his time with me did come to an end.  He was my boy of 16.5 years.  I still miss him every day.  As soon as I moved out to Jersey I booked an off-broadway show in the city and worked the most as a performer I ever had in one year following it!  I did have the WONDERFUL opportunity to work at The Growing Stage and finally get my Equity card at this lovely theatre 10 minutes from my house!   This was exciting for so many reasons not the least of which is that - after 10 years working in theatre in/around New York - I had started to think this just would never happen.

So very middle of the decade found me deeply depressed and starting all over again in NYC.  I lived on my brother's futon and then in his (very large) closet for a wee bit and then found a place back in Astoria.  I thought my depression was situational and after our relationship ended and I was back in my city I would start to feel like myself again.  This would take much longer than I had anticipated.  I hesitate to list this part for fear it will seem attention seeking but honestly it's my truth and it's a massive part of what I experienced in this decade.  I'm still trying to process it all so to leave it out would feel wrong.  Who the hell knows - maybe it will be useful to someone else going through something similar?  The few closest friendships I had had morphed into new things as everyone was going through their respective hardships/lives.  I tried calling on the old friends who had painfully drifted years before and found no one was in a space to be there for me.  This was hardest of all and honestly continues to be.  I found myself starting fresh in every single way and was frustrated that I wasn't starting to feel like myself again yet.  At my absolute lowest and with zero confidence in any area I needed to go out and make new friends.  Making new friends and then venting to them is not ideal (especially when I was afraid it was my venting that had pushed all of my other close friends away).  My mom and I have always been close but she grew to be about the only one I could vent to anymore.   So, while I did make new friends and while old ones were definitely there when they could be, I really felt so very alone through all of this.  That also is a symptom of the depression but it definitely was a different experience than I had ever had in any previous breakups/hardships (which of course were never as hard as this).  It made me so grateful for all of the years I did have consistent and close friends to talk to and sort things out with - but how had I lost most of them?  What did I do to cause this?  How could I change whatever it was about me that made people no longer want to be close?  This type of thinking is inevitable and useful in life - but also not helpful with the depression I was already amidst.  My mom even had some major back issues/surgeries throughout all this time as well which my brother and I would spend time in Pittsburgh to help her out with as we could.  Freelance work was tougher to come by then it had been when I was younger....I was barely making ends meet.  I randomly fell down a flight of stairs in my sleep while staying at a friends' home and broke my foot.  Not great when ALL of your freelance work is on your feet + you live in NYC and have to walk everywhere!  Then Trump was elected.  It was fun.

Shortly after the holidays that year I started a temp to perm job at a new small company for a man who 100% supported me auditioning and pursuing performing jobs while I worked for him.  I found a Unicorn of a job!  This did WONDERS for my ever-slowly heightening mood.  Having some financial stability while also having permission to continue to pursue my dreams was pure magic in absolutely every way.  It took a lot of pressure off of auditions and I could go to more of them as a result of being in the union + not having to choose between ones due to work.  I was able to save some money and move into a lovely apartment with only one roommate (I love my old ones but 4 people to one bathroom in a place directly underneath the subway was not perfection).  This job enabled me to enjoy the AWESOMENESS of Mark Fisher Fitness, buy new headshots, get myself some Actor Therapy, start training with an incredible new voice teacher who is blowing my mind, and start doing other fun stuff around the city I never had any money to do: seeing more shows, get my nails did (you're welcome for all my pics),  and going to the Jazz Age Lawn Party...AND FINALLY LEAVE THIS CONTINENT AND GO TO LONDON!!!!!

Having my Equity card is WONDERFUL for many reasons but it made it tougher to book work (as it tends to do for non-dancer folk like me).  I had to say goodbye to my home away from home at The Theater Barn where I was fortunate to do some really awesome shows over a full decade of summers!  I was so grateful for pretty consistent work at The Growing Stage while I lived out near them and even booked a new theatre for my resume reprising one of my favorite roles as The Drowsy Chaperone!  For better or worse - I never stopped auditioning all through my healing after the breakup and was getting some callbacks but not seeing any bookings.  This always sucks but having the new Unicorn job which allowed all of the auditions reinvigorated me and it took the pressure off of booking work. Then BOOM - the end of 2018 found me on stage again at The Fireside Theatre in "Elf" and I could NOT have been giddier!

2019 did not bring me any official stage show experiences which never feels great - but I did do some awesome readings, voiced/puppeteered some awesome characters (starting in 2018) with Max's Fancy Monsters, and started singing out with a singer/songwriter I've always adored (Gabby Ess)!  To say that I'm okay with all of the great auditions I had this past year without any coming to fruition would be a lie.  It's never okay when it feels like you are getting no signals from the Universe that you are on the right path and it feels like you are just spinning your wheels in the mud - but I've been here before and I know this place a little too well.  It only gets harder with every year I'm at it but as long as I still want to - and can - I will pursue it. 

This decade has brought with it many lessons and revelations.  All of which are very much works in process:

- I have been inspired to be even more politically active and have gone to countless rallies/protests/marches after having enjoyed a mini break there for a few years.  I have learned so much about racial injustice and white privilege.  I have yearned for ways to create actual change outside of posts on Facebook, discussions with friends and family, and tagging along to other people's events.  I have yet to figure this out but continue to try.  Mostly I just feel overwhelmed with all of the good I want to do in the world that I do almost nothing and then get mad at myself for it.

- Don't even get me started on the #metoo revelations I continue to have.

- There is no way to detail all of this now but I discovered some ideas about body positivity and health at every size which has completely turned me upside-down in terms of my body issues.  This would be another whole post and I am not necessarily in the most positive place about all of this but I have learned too much about the futility of dieting and in it I've revealed just how unhealthy my relationship with my own body is.  There is WAY too much to unpack here but let's just say that I am on a path of discovery with this that I never anticipated needing so badly but it may just be the key to many other parts of my well-being.

- I understand that friendships change and nothing is forever.  I mostly understand that everyone is going through their own shit and often barely have the capacity to handle theirs let alone anyone else's.  As a result I no longer expect that from anyone and learned I could get through the worst time in my life so far with mostly just myself (and my mom).  I don't want to ignore the fact that I did have a handful of folks from time to time but on a day to day basis in the state I was in - it was really rough.  I still have a lot of hurt I am working through about the friends who are no longer in my life and I still try very hard to understand the part I played in that.  I can drive myself crazy with self-reflection but I genuinely hope I have been there for people when they needed me most and I hope I can continue to be.  And if I'm ever not - I hope if they confront me about it - I will be able to genuinely say I'm sorry and then do better.

I'm still single as the day is long and find myself returning to the revelations of the beginning of the decade that if it's just me and me for the rest of my life that's just fine.  It's honestly terrifying to think of going through all of that again.  I don't mean that I wouldn't but man - if it means a deep isolating depression where I temporarily lose a lot of the bits of me I love the most and when I finally put myself back together I'm basically a whole different person with some of the same ingredients...I'm in no rush.  That doesn't mean I regret it - it just means - sheesh....how the hell do some people do this so much more often than I?

I am so grateful for the new friends I've made, those acquaintances I was able to become closer with through this, the old friends who I found my way back to, and all who were there for me whenever they were able.  It is impossible to express just how much I appreciate each and every one.  I am grateful to have gone through the depression because I now have a much fuller understanding of what my friends and family with it go through.  I now have a much better sense of how to make space for those in that state of mind than I ever could have before.  My brother and I have grown closer as a result.  This decade may have been the biggest in terms of growth (the toughest ones usually are I guess) even if I am still figuring a lot of it out.  Writing this out was helpful for me to acknowledge this.  If you've made it this far - thank you very much.  I needed to do this for me and I am not sure whether I needed to share it.  It's highly likely very few people will even read most of it anyway so what the hell? Regardless (and even if you skimmed) I wish you the very best year/decade of your life!