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Friday, February 12, 2010

French Fries and Copious Amounts of Bird Poop

I remember the first time I visited New York City. I remember the shows I saw, the stars I got my picture with at the stage doors, the grimy streets, and my brother getting swindled in Times Square by some sketchy dudes playing cards on cardboard boxes. I remember the energy I felt in the air and I knew that I would move here one day. Just before all that, I recall my very first step onto a NYC sidewalk just left of the crazies outside of Port Authority. A pigeon shit on my head. Welcome to New York. I knew this was the town for me! That day and many times since, I have been told that a bird pooping on your head is a sign of good luck. While there is no doubt that I am enjoying my time here in the big city...it's been nearly 8 years now and I am pretty sure I am still waiting for that good luck to prove itself.

Last night I had an odd dream. We (castmates, classmates of some sort, and just friends in general) were all staying in the woods near a beach. I'm not sure what we were doing there. En route one afternoon from wherever we went everyday back to our cabins in the woods, we were all crossing the beach when french fries started falling all around us. I don't know where they were coming from, but the sinking feeling in the pit of our stomachs told us that if:

beach + fries = seagulls and birdshit

then:

beach + copious amounts of fries = well...you get the picture


So we started to run just as hoards of seagulls came swooping in eating the french fries that just kept falling. This was obviously followed by large amounts of poop on our heads. We had just barely reached the woods we were living in when the 'storm' got real bad. I just remember all of us drenched in seagull poop and wondering who was going to get to use the shower first.

Now, if birds pooping on your head = good luck

What do dreams about massive amounts of bird feces pouring down your face and the faces of those around you equal?

How about copious amounts of random french fries?




Monday, February 8, 2010

"The Anti-Bandwagon Bandwagon"

Y'no what I'm really sick of? The "Anti-Bandwagon Bandwagon". Don't know what that is? Sure ya' do. It's that group of folks in the world who refuse to "get on the bandwagon" for anything and everything that a lot of people have agreed is awesome, purely because a lot of people have previously agreed that it is awesome. You might hear them saying things like, "Oh...that's been too hyped up!" or "Oh God, that's the LAST movie I want to see, it can't be that great...people are stupid." I first noticed this phenomenon when the movie "Titanic" was out. I loved that movie. I know, I know...it isn't the best film ever created, and it was cheesy, but it was a damned great movie. I don't need to defend myself this many years later, and frankly, I don't care whether you agree with me. Myself and millions of other people felt something when we watched that flick and we did that because we allowed ourselves to get on that bandwagon that the anti-bandwagon bandwagoners were throwing themselves off of and under.

What they just don't understand is that the Anti-Bandwagon Bandwagon IS A BANDWAGON. In claiming that they are so individual and so unique...able to make their own choices and form their own opinions...they are making their opinion instantly opposite to the general consensus, usually without even seeing/hearing/trying said "awesome thing". Now that's just retarded. And sure...there are a few Anti-BW's that do allow themselves to experience whatever it is and will still deny it's possible awesomeness anyway, because that is just who they are. Besides, who am I to prove whether they secretly enjoyed it and are afraid to admit it?

The trick here isn't jumping ON one of these bandwagons but, rather, not allowing their presence to deter you from truly experiencing something for yourself. A lot of people sell themselves short from some silly notions of their supposed individuality.

That is my point at the end of all of this....the whole idea behind hating whatever everyone on the Bandwagon digs is based on this idea that you are your own person and you don't just go along with the crowd. I can respect that. But not if, in doing so, you just hop on the wagon that is going the other way down the road, because that is just a different gaggle of lemmings headed to a really boring party.




Saturday, February 6, 2010

"Apple Dapples"

There are a lot of random things that make me happy, but none quite so much as the names of generic cereal. Since some brand named cereals are $5-6 these days, I imagine I am not the only one who has noticed some of them. These are just a few of my favorites.


There are plenty like these ones...with just a silly sound to them that vaguely describes what they are. But we smart folk can generally figure it out based on our familiarity with the original version, the photo on the box, and our experience with context clues:





Why the extra "r"?




And for those that enjoy getting freaky with their fruits...



Then there are the ones that I can still hear churning through the brains of the creative team as the hours dragged by, stuck in a room with no inspiration left yet still, cereals to name. Someone mutters, "Alright, what've we got? Apples, it tastes like apples. We can't just call it apples....we need another word. 'Apple....', ummm.'Apple Bapple'...'Apple Capple'.....'Apple Dapple'...yeah...yeah, that's got a nice ring to it!":



Or the ones that just could not get any more literal and straight to the point.



I'm unsure how, but this one somehow manages being both too literal and too vague. "With Almonds, Oats, & More (and you pour milk over it and eat it with a spoon...and then you chew it with your mouth...and swallow it down your esophagus and digest it in your belly and eventually poop it out...)". And yet the suspicious "More" leaves far too much mystery for my taste.



These evidently are entirely void of inspiration since I suppose you can't call 'em "Poop Flakes":



But why are they allowed to use this identical name?






Wednesday, February 3, 2010

"General Beauregard Lee"

I read today that there is, evidently, not just one groundhog that people look towards on Groundhog's Day in order to predict how soon spring will or won't come each year. Mayor Bloomberg took part in a ceremony involving a one, "Staten Island Chuck", who determined that we would have an early spring which is in direct conflict with Punxsutawney Phil's prediction that we are doomed to endure more of the never-ending winter. Now, I am pretty sure that kindergarten was the last time I actually cared whether any groundhog "saw his shadow" as "they" say, but this is the first I've ever heard of other cities holding these ceremonies with multiple other animals. Evidently, there are several; ie....
"Brandon Bob" of Brandon, Manitoba; "Balzac Billy" in Alberta; "General Beauregard Lee" in Lilburn, Georgia; "Shubenacadie Sam" in Nova Scotia; "Staten Island Chuck" in New York; "Gary the Groundhog" in Kleinburg, Ontario, and "Wiarton Willie" in Ontario, among many others."

Now obviously this just makes this already absurd holiday even more ridiculous, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel like naming a few new ones.


"Goombah Gino"
"Crackah Carl"
"Where-there-be-a-fro-there-be-a-pick Leroy"
"Wigger D-Shizzle"
"Wilma the Butch" (need a lady in there!)


Okay....now it's your turn!