"All in this together..."

 

(Is it just me or are their weird 11 looking things in the right hand corner of the first and last shots - if you don’t zoom in?!) Last night I took a very long walk - and everywhere I went - these lights followed me. It was an excellent visual reminder of how the soul of this city is always with you - before you move here, while you live here, and if you should ever leave. Of course it inspired me to capture a few shots but nearly every time I took pictures of the sky - this additional column of light accompanied it. It happened over in the Meatpacking District and then again later in the East Village - so it couldn't have been an errant glaring street light. It even happened when I was just trying to capture the beautiful moon in the clear night sky. I don't always comment on this anniversary. I wasn't here when it happened so it feels like my experience is far less interesting than those who were. Even though I know that we all were changed by that day - I understand that my experience pales in comparison to those covered in ash, those unable to reach their loved ones who worked in the World Trade Center, those watching people jump out of buildings as they made their way home by foot without cell service, those first responders who got sick and suffered/died from the carcinogens they were allowed to inhale from Ground Zero without ever receiving proper assistance from the government, & those brown Americans among us who would endure two decades of the violence/hate of xenophobia for something they had nothing at all to do with. In spite of the fact that I had yet to be a resident, of course this day affected me in a myriad of ways that I am still figuring out. This place which held my heart long before it became my home was under attack. This place that I knew would become my home. This place that I knew I would never want to leave - through blackouts, protests, hurricanes, pandemics, more protests, floods, and more. Some people say "There is a time to come to New York - and there's a time to leave." Those are clearly the opportunists who never added anything besides frustration to this city which is certainly not sad to see them go. I have never imagined a time that I would WANT to leave. If you don't want to stay here through your beautiful city's struggles - you never truly wanted the actual experience of LIVING in this city and you most definitely don't deserve any of the goodness it has given you. This city gives each and every one of us life every second we trudge through it - and we give it life in return. I could never imagine voluntarily leaving it in its time of need. I was somewhere in the middle of the Caribbean Sea working on a cruise ship when I learned that the planes hit the towers. It wasn't long until the details began to unfold and we would learn of the plane hitting the Pentagon - and then of the plane on it's way to D.C. that went down only an hour and half from where I grew up in Pittsburgh - where my mom and brother still were. Never before in my life had I known this type of fear and anxiety in my own country and it was hitting not only my future home but hitting so very close to my HOME home - and there I was in the middle of nowhere unable to be with my friends and family in NYC or Pittsburgh. That week's passenger list was even more international than usual and the crew was always sparse on Americans - so it felt rather surreal to be walking around going about my day amidst many who were not taking this news in quite the same way as I was. I felt like what I imagined the majority of the rest of the world probably experiences much more frequently - with the terrors they live with every single day while Americans are entirely oblivious and wholly unconcerned. I was performing as a Krooze Komic (interactive improv performer) on the ship and I could think of NOTHING more useless on that day than to be donning wigs and silly costumes and going out and acting like a fool. It truly felt like only a small amount of people there even cared/knew what had happened. I learned a very important lesson that day about being a performer. It felt absolutely absurd to continue to do such a light-hearted job on such a terrifying day - but whether those passengers were American or not - and whether they were experiencing the same fear and dread or were entirely oblivious - I learned that going out there and giving them their moment to laugh and escape was still a worthwhile thing to do. I have revisited this knowledge many times over the past 20 years when continuing to pursue a field that often can feel rather selfish. The Arts are far more important than they have ever been given credit for and we will always need the inspiration/education/escape/therapy only they can provide. I would do one more contract on the ship to save up more money before moving to NYC the moment I could in May of 2002. Many of my family and friends were worried - so soon after 9/11 - but it had never occurred to me that I would be deterred. Certainly my experience living in this city has been fully shaped by what happened that day. The "clean up" the city was going through just prior - coupled with the instinct to band together and protect one another after having been attacked made this city safer than it had ever been in the decades before. The freedom with which I gallivanted around this town from day one has never been lost on me - even though it took me a while to trust it. When those planes hit the towers I had no idea what politics was about. I am constantly stunned now by how oblivious I was until I moved to NYC. It's not that there were not things happening (oh my - how they were) - I guess it was just something about being at war after an attack such as that and then living in a city this multicultural + working in the theatre community that would finally slap some sense into me and wake me up. I cannot fathom how this war went on so damn long. I cannot fathom the money we made from being in this war. I cannot fathom how little we did to actually help Afghanistan. I cannot fathom the harm we have caused which will linger into the next several decades. I cannot stomach hearing people say we were there to protect the women when that was 100% NEVER the reason we were there and it only makes people feel better to claim that. If we were truly there to HELP Afghanistan - the Taliban would not be taking over 20 years later. I cannot fathom the fact that it took Americans that long to experience for the very first time what it felt like for their land to be under attack - much like the exact same terror that the Native Americans residing peacefully here must have felt when we came stomping in - raping & pillaging everything they ever knew. I will always be grateful for those who fight for our freedoms but will never support the senseless capitalist wars they are forced to fight - all in the name of "American Democracy" - the greatest conspiracy theory ever told. Aside from the rampant increase in xenophobia (which was now given a massive greenlight) the one good thing about 9/11 was that a lot of people did come together - with new security regulations and rules to abide by during travel & a love for one another and wanting to protect your fellow neighbors. I wonder what it would be like if Covid-19 happened within the 5 years after 9/11. Would more people unite? Would less? We keep getting these opportunities to unite in this world and we just keep flubbing them. When Covid-19 began I couldn't ever imagine we would be so polarized about staying alive and keeping each other healthy. I was actually excited for the possibility that we could finally all see each other as the interconnected web that we are. I cannot fathom that there are people I know and love who think that mask mandates, vaccines, and quarantines are a conspiracy to control the masses while people continue to take up hospital beds and die horrible deaths as a result of those misguided beliefs. I still cannot fathom that many of my fellow Americans do not CARE whether they get me or my family/friends sick - while I do everything I can to make sure no one I come in contact with (stranger or friends) will get Covid from me. On 9/11 I thought we were entering a world of terror and fear that would be as debilitating as many humans in other countries live on a daily basis. Little did I know that we would have about 18.5 years of continued privilege without that terror - while we unnecessarily terrorized those living in Afghanistan for all of this time - leaving them far worse than when we started. The war on Covid-19 is one of the biggest enemies this country/world has honestly ever faced together (outside of white supremacy)- and we are fighting amongst ourselves with disinformation and lies - when we could actually all be saving one another and ENDING it. I will never forget the idea that we were all in this together that definitely came out of 9/11. I only wish it was more than just an idea - then - and now.