Now with special sauce.

Monday, June 21, 2010

"An Anorexic Vanilla Latte Please!"

I went out to meet a great friend at a Starbucks this evening and encountered, quite possibly, the most unhappy Starbucks employee I have ever had the pleasure of dealing with. I must say, on the whole, I have found Starbucks employees to be quite pleasant and joyous in demeanor. So it should go without saying (but it's too late now) that this grumpy barista sticks out like a sore thumb.

We'll call her "Grumpypants", and she didn't look entirely different than this photo of Jabba the Hut.



Now, unreasonably irritable and unfriendly customer service associates are something of the norm these days outside of Starbucks so I am pretty used to not taking it too personal. Now I have always had trouble ordering drinks at Starbucks. I have grave difficulty remembering all the correct words to describe what I'd like and even in all these years, I still don't fully have it down. Also, I have been a bit out of practice as of late and when I went to order, this is how it went.

Me: "Hello, can I please have a grande...er I'm sorry, I'd like a venti, non-fat, vanilla latte please.
GrumpyPants: "Iced or hot?"
Me: "Oh!, Iced please!! Thanks so much for asking! I have a problem remembering all these words, sorry."

Without much reaction she began preparing my drink. When I saw her pour Reduced Fat 2% milk in, I asked
Me: "Oh...do you guys use 2% instead of non-fat/skim?" (I don't know why this sounded right to me.)
Grumpypants: blank stare as if to say "Bitch, are you going to fucking make me start over?"
Me: "You call skim 'non-fat', right?"
Grumpypants: "You need to say 'slender'."
Me: "What? I though it was 'skinny'? or...'non-fat'".
Grumpypants: "You didn't ask for non-fat."
Me: (still unecessarily polite) "No, I know I said 'non-fat vanilla latte', I forgot to say "iced" which you helped me with, thank you."
Grumpypants: (evil glare as she dumps it out and begins again and...I can't be certain, but she may have just used the same jug of 2%, I couldn't really see...but it was the same damn color.)
Me: (continuing unnecessary politeness) Sorry...thank you!
Random Guy Behind Me in Line : "I heard you say 'non-fat'!"

When I shared this story with my friend I learned that Grumpypants is always this much of a "pleasure" and gives everyone a hard time. I also didn't really notice until I retold this story that she actually said I should have called my skim milk "slender". Now that's a new one. Please tell me she made that one up on the spot?!?! I really wouldn't be surprised if it's the newest ridiculous word in the Starbucks vernacular but geez, when will it end? My friends told me of some awesome twist on the Caramel Macchiato where you order it "upside down". They literally just include the same ingredients but make it in reverse. Evidently it tastes like an entirely new and delectable $5+ treat! F.Y.I. This is one Grumpypants REFUSES to make (at the Starbucks on 49th Street b/w 8th & 9th Ave). I still don't know who discovered/named this, it had to be one of the more pleasant Starbucks workers.

I want to start making up my own.

"I'll take a 'Fat-ass Vanilla Latte with Spanx and a Smile' please!"
"Please pick me up a 'Bow-legged/Big-Boned Caramel Macchiato!"
"Ooh, I'd love a 'Tall-n-Lanky Frappachino with Freckles' please."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I know which starbucks and which barista you're talking about. Ashley and I often complain about her to one another.... and despite the fact that an upside down caramel machiato is my drink of choice-- for like three years now she has refused to make it for me.

And as far as a 'Tall-n-Lanky Frappachino with Freckles' goes.... it reminds me of me and I think every person should have their own personalized drink.