"An Anorexic Vanilla Latte Please!"

I went out to meet a great friend at a Starbucks this evening and encountered, quite possibly, the most unhappy Starbucks employee I have ever had the pleasure of dealing with. I must say, on the whole, I have found Starbucks employees to be quite pleasant and joyous in demeanor. So it should go without saying (but it's too late now) that this grumpy barista sticks out like a sore thumb.

We'll call her "Grumpypants", and she didn't look entirely different than this photo of Jabba the Hut.



Now, unreasonably irritable and unfriendly customer service associates are something of the norm these days outside of Starbucks so I am pretty used to not taking it too personal. Now I have always had trouble ordering drinks at Starbucks. I have grave difficulty remembering all the correct words to describe what I'd like and even in all these years, I still don't fully have it down. Also, I have been a bit out of practice as of late and when I went to order, this is how it went.

Me: "Hello, can I please have a grande...er I'm sorry, I'd like a venti, non-fat, vanilla latte please.
GrumpyPants: "Iced or hot?"
Me: "Oh!, Iced please!! Thanks so much for asking! I have a problem remembering all these words, sorry."

Without much reaction she began preparing my drink. When I saw her pour Reduced Fat 2% milk in, I asked
Me: "Oh...do you guys use 2% instead of non-fat/skim?" (I don't know why this sounded right to me.)
Grumpypants: blank stare as if to say "Bitch, are you going to fucking make me start over?"
Me: "You call skim 'non-fat', right?"
Grumpypants: "You need to say 'slender'."
Me: "What? I though it was 'skinny'? or...'non-fat'".
Grumpypants: "You didn't ask for non-fat."
Me: (still unecessarily polite) "No, I know I said 'non-fat vanilla latte', I forgot to say "iced" which you helped me with, thank you."
Grumpypants: (evil glare as she dumps it out and begins again and...I can't be certain, but she may have just used the same jug of 2%, I couldn't really see...but it was the same damn color.)
Me: (continuing unnecessary politeness) Sorry...thank you!
Random Guy Behind Me in Line : "I heard you say 'non-fat'!"

When I shared this story with my friend I learned that Grumpypants is always this much of a "pleasure" and gives everyone a hard time. I also didn't really notice until I retold this story that she actually said I should have called my skim milk "slender". Now that's a new one. Please tell me she made that one up on the spot?!?! I really wouldn't be surprised if it's the newest ridiculous word in the Starbucks vernacular but geez, when will it end? My friends told me of some awesome twist on the Caramel Macchiato where you order it "upside down". They literally just include the same ingredients but make it in reverse. Evidently it tastes like an entirely new and delectable $5+ treat! F.Y.I. This is one Grumpypants REFUSES to make (at the Starbucks on 49th Street b/w 8th & 9th Ave). I still don't know who discovered/named this, it had to be one of the more pleasant Starbucks workers.

I want to start making up my own.

"I'll take a 'Fat-ass Vanilla Latte with Spanx and a Smile' please!"
"Please pick me up a 'Bow-legged/Big-Boned Caramel Macchiato!"
"Ooh, I'd love a 'Tall-n-Lanky Frappachino with Freckles' please."

Tales of a Starbucks Nerd

Okay, so one of my favorite things about my AOL job is the weirdos
that I meet here. Last week, a nerdy guy rolled a grocery cart full
of HUGE, old desktop computer parts outside the window and came in
asking for one of the free AOL cds. I gave it to him and he proceeded
to tell me that the AOL cd "makes his computer wireless". This isn't
a correct statement as I understand AOL and the free cd...so I tried
to clear up his confusion. He told me that he is putting together
that computer (he pointed through the window to the cart) and assured
me that the AOL cd makes it possible for him to connect to a hot spot
wireless connection, as he had done it before. I shrugged it off,
since the cd is free no matter how crazy you are and sent him on his
way. I watched him reunite with his cart full of old computer parts
and wave at me as he rolled away with it. My brain raced...."Could
that AOL cd actually make a bunch of ancient desktop computer parts
wireless? How?" Then I could just picture him rolling up to
Starbucks and unloading that shit on a table and surfing the net
amongst the other New Yorkers. I giggled and enjoyed the silly
possibilities.
Later that day, one of my regulars at the free internet lounge in
the AOL store came, and I told him about this guy. My friend informed
me (before I mentioned my silly idea of him connecting in Starbucks)
that he has chatted with the guy-at Starbucks...where he sees him set
up with his equipment surfing the web. Yes. He actually does this.
I love everything about this. Yesterday, this nerdy guy actually came
in again and I was talking with him about his makeshift wireless
desktop computer. He is turning 21 this week and is looking for
someone online to share his birthday with. He is online dating and
sets up times an places to meet chicks around the city...(last night
he was meeting a chick at 8 at Starbucks! I don't know if he brings
his computer or not.

Well...my "regular" came in later yesterday and gave me the address
of a blogger's site that features the "Starbucks Nerd" as he calls
it...I urge you to check it out....this shit really happens folks...
http://www.chrisdiclerico.com/2005/03/30/starbucks-nerd/