Someday is NOW!!!

Someday people will look back at this time and be so ashamed of how many people in this country were so ignorant and cruel.

Someday people will sit with their grandchildren or their great grandchildren and have to explain to them why they thought that two people loving each other was so disgusting.

Someday money won't matter and fear won't be instilled in us by religion or anything else.

Someday we won't accept fear as a substitute for love and unity.

Someday Faith won't refer to "MY God" or "YOUR God", but to faith in our spirit, and each others'.

Someday laws will be there to protect people's rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Someday no law will define what someone else's happiness 'should' be.

Someday there will truly be a separation of Church and State.

Someday the energy it takes to create and pass new laws will move us forward rather than back.

Someday no one will be able to deny that what is done to others is also done to you and that holding anyone back holds everyone back.

Someday I will be able to tell my great grandchildren that I have always believed in and supported love.

Please stand for love today....

Be FOR something rather than against something. Be for love. In time it will work.

Living in the moment and more....

Well...since I have been learning a lot lately about a pretty unfortunate situation..I wanted to share a bit of it with you. To preface this, my mother had some unexpected surgery at the beginning of December. She was put on a ventilator which she had difficulty getting off of for the next 10 days.

Basically my mom is recovering VERY well from everything she has just gone through. She still requires some assistance and a lot of physical therapy to get stronger, but no longer needs a hospital. Since her sister works at a nursing home that can provide that, she is staying there. She is a little on the young side to be in a nursing home, but it really is the very best place for her right now. She is definitely improving every day and I am happy I got to spend Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the day after by her side in her room there. It was the first time we saw several of my aunts, uncles, and cousins who all used to gather over Xmas growing up. Most importantly though, was just being with my mom who is alive and getting well...talking and getting back to normal. The first 2 weeks of this month were the hardest of my life and there were a few moments I wasn't sure she'd be around for Xmas. I am learning a lot from this experience watching her heal and work through some difficulties. These are some simple things that people often gently advise us to do all the time...and we definitely don't always think about them, let alone take their advice. How many times have you been told to "live in the moment"? "Just breathe"? "Don't be so hard on yourself!"? Watching my mother work so hard to breathe of the ventilator...watching her overbreathing, much too quick, and not getting a good exhange of oxygen and CO2 because of it... I am reminded how very important breathing slowly and deeply is. I forget to ALL the time. Not knowing from day to day whether she would get off the vent, or need a tracheostomy, or worse, and when I should tell my jobs I will return to NYC to work because anything at all could happen the very next day forced me to live in the moment...as I never had before. Plans for the future? Memories of the past? They mean nothing in this present moment, because it could be all you have. Watching my mother, who is fiercely independent, struggle with relying on those around her for so much more...and causing herself some added physical distress if she was unable (one day) to perform the physical therapy she so anxiously woke up to accomplish...as well as listening to her apologize for all the things she hadn't prepared for to alleviate our stresses throughout this experience reminded me to not be so hard on MYself for everything I don't think I have done yet...or for not having everything happen as I had wanted it to. These stresses we put on ourselves not only prevent us from being happy but often manifest in our bodies...not always in such drastic ways, mind you...but they are never comfortable!

Now, I have always adored my mother. I have been blessed with a pretty incredible family and a mom I don't think I have ever taken for granted. My brother and I may fight, but in the end...we have a great family, and we know it and acknowledge it often. Before any of this, I have been grateful for it. While my mom was in the ICU I was reminded again how incredible she is. When I went home to see her over Christmas, I thought I couldn't possibly be even more grateful for her and more time with her. Then I found out a friend's father passed away the day before Xmas Eve. There is a lot more that goes along with what she is dealing with right now. Suddenly this vast expansive space of gratitude I didn't know existed opened up inside me. In this I feel I have learned the most important truth here... there is no such thing as being too grateful for ANYTHING!

I know that there still may be some tough times ahead, but it is impossible not to be grateful for these lessons I am learning that will continue to help me learn and grow and get through any situations that may arise...whether they are this intense or not!

Happy New Year everyone!!

Slap o' the holidays

It is the first day of 2006 and I woke up around 3:30pm. I am 28 years old, and I still thoroughly enjoy having days where I can do just that. So, the big holidays are done, and so is another year. Where the hell did it go? I know I'm not alone in the shock of how quickly time seems to pass from year to year. I may be one of the few people that just couldn't accept it this year though. I don't know exactly why. Was 2005 so great that I just don't want it to end? That can't be right. All I know is that, as Thanksgiving quickly approached, I couldn't comprehend how it could possibly be time. I knew it was coming whether I was ready or not. I knew that as soon as I woke up from that turkey coma, it would suddenly be time for a Christmas tree and presents and figgy pudding. (Okay, strike the figgy pudding. I have never encountered figgy pudding, and I don't know that I ever will.) I knew that, even as the final notes of every Christmas carol were still blaring in the stores, suddenly New Year's eve would be here and I would be required to welcome the festivities with open arms in celebration. I knew all of this, but somehow I just couldn't enjoy it all. From the moment the quickness of these holidays slapped me in the face, my head lay drooped to the side where it landed after the blow. My eyes glazed over and drool may have slipped from my lips. Inside, my mind lay marinating in denial, exactly where it wanted so deperately to be for some reason. "It isn't TIME for this, an entire year can't possibly have passed!" "I guess I ought to get a Christmas tree, but not YET!" Even as my mind refused to believe time was passing, the parts of my soul that always enjoy the holidays attempted feebly to enjoy itself. My inner child would scream out at moments, singing along to Christmas carols as I visited stores, but was abruptly silenced when the reality of having absolutely no money to buy anything for anyone set in. Somehow the days shot past and we never got a tree for the apartment. I never even got out my christmas cds for their annual enjoyment. Things just weren't right. ..>

My body ached from days working in the bitter cold streets of NYC via random miscellaneous jobs all month. I dragged my aching muscles home to Pittsburgh for the holidays, aboard a luxurious greyhound bus. As my stubborn mind continued to resist the holiday spirit, I started wishing I had enjoyed it all more. I even started to look forward to next year at holiday time. I started to think that, even if I didn't feel like it was time yet, I was going to revel in it next year. I would buy a tree as soon as I possibly could. I would hang the Christmas lights that are still in my closet from last year. Whether I had money or not, I would at least send out some Christmas cards. I might even throw a holiday party! I started to get a little giddy thinking how much I would enjoy next Christmas no matter how fast it hit me. Then I realized it was December 22nd. Christmas day had yet to happen! I dunno, it was a very strange moment. It was too late to do all the fun things leading up to the big day, but it wasn't too late to enjoy this one. It was the opposite side of that initial slap o' the holidays, slapping my face back in the other direction to even me out, to shake the contents of my garbled mind back into the moment.

So I suppose I should have some sort of resolution going into this brand new year. I'm not big on resolutions that happen only once a year. I am generally in favor of attempting to make any necessary changes or adjustments all year round, as necessary. Regardless of that, I feel it absolutely vital to make one this year. I can't possibly allow time to get ahead of me this way anymore. I mean, I know it is going to. Somehow it is the nature of time. The longer we're alive, the more memories we have, the more things we hope to accomplish and the less time it feels we have to accomplish them. Every year I'm alive time gets faster than I feel like I can handle. If time went at a speed I was comfortable with, I have a feeling it might never pass at all. We need these holidays, whichever ones you celebrate, to keep us moving, while at the same time allowing us to pause and enjoy some silliness in between. They force us to spend the quality time we need with everyone we love, and help us feel more love for some of the people we'd rather not have so much quality time with. It becomes the best time to let go of whatever the hell we're holding onto from the last year and breathe in the new one, always being reminded to enjoy each present moment because a new one will be here whether we're ready or not!